Hell No, “Valley Girls”

Once upon a much more innocent and simpler time, I really loved the hell out of Gossip Girl.  It was completely absurd, but I loved it so.  The plot lines always resolved themselves in a matter of episodes, and a great deal of drama was either totally regurgitated whenever needed (Serena and Dan, together yet again!) or totally ludicrous (Lily and Rufus have a secret baby!), but that didn’t mean the show lacked flair.  Like good trash television, it knew the marks to hit and hit them with aplomb.  

The costumes were either fabulous or fabulously tacky, so either way they’re good for conversation.  The dialogue was frequently smart, and the Chuck-and-Blair banter occasionally even reached rather Hawksian heights of verbal sparring.  And let’s not forget that Gossip Girl birthed Georgina, an F5 tornado (F is for fierce) of pure bitchcraft that made the show briefly crackle with a palpable electricity.  

But the past few weeks of Gossip Girl have been pretty miserable, and tonight’s episode doesn’t really put me in anticipation of any great review.  Between the teacher/student affairs, the secret sex clubs, and the reunion between Nate and Blair that rests firmly atop the Do Not Want list, I’ve pretty much accepted that I’ll follow Gossip Girl through the rest of this season out of loyalty alone.  Even Georgina’s return just makes soul hurt; why drag her down with this sinking ship, Josh Schwartz?  You already introduced those terrible (and by terrible, i mean boring and poor) public school kids in the third season of The O.C.!  Haven’t your wrought enough carnage?

Obviously not, because we’re getting this mess May 11th:

valley_girls_poster

This is the promo poster for the Gossip Girl flashback episode involving Lily van der Woodsen’s youth in L.A.  This poster says, “I’m a twenty-something actress that’s been lit in this poster to more closely resemble a thirty-something drag queen because I’m a show that’s all about quality.”  This poster also says, “Please watch me despite the fact that I’m a terrible idea made real only by riding the wave of middling hype of a once-great-but-now-rather-dreadful show.”  This poster is the new (tranny) face of the Do Not Want list.  

Let’s hope this is not suggestive of what’s to come with these final episodes of this season’s Gossip Girl because that’s one gaudily styled train wreck of despair.  Le sadness, indeed.

Update: This post was initially written under the impression that “Valley Girls” was to be an official spin-off show.  It has since been reported that “Valley Girls” is merely a flash-back episode in the second season; however, depending most likely on fan reaction and ratings, this train-wreck could be a go for this fall.

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9 Responses

  1. Love you sense o humor, Ben! You’re the best!

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    • Glad you enjoy! Hope you come back soon, and don’t forget to tell your friends about this place! Ha!

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  2. I agree with you about the tranny poster and the general theme of the Lily show (of course I’ll watch it, but that’s another matter). I also agree that Nate/Blair tops the do not want list. But I think you are too harsh on these recent episodes. The sex club/sex with teachers plots were pointless and silly (and mere padding). Likewise , the Gabriel/Poppy (who is she and why is she old enough to be Serena’s mother?) plot looks dumb–another feeble excuse to keep Dan/Serena separate. But I don’t think these ruin the show. I miss the Jenny goes wild days but I am sure they’ll return, along with Serena reforming (again). I could do with less Vanderbilt/Nate plots–if he was a member of one of American’s richest families, why wasn’t that addressed earlier anyway? But isn’t half the fun of these shows lie in their inconsistencies?

    But there is still enough that’s good to keep me watching. Unlike you, I hated Georgina and really wish they’d get rid of her for good. Obviously the Poppy/Gabriel plot is setting up her return. I hope the three of them don’t last long and the show gets back to focusing on its main characters. As in the good days of BH 90210, they only need to date each other, no matter how incestuous and improbable that might be.

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  3. The thought of a Lily spin off fills me with such disgust I can’t even comment on it. I will restrict myself to voicing my disagreement with your characterization of Georginia as an F5 tornado of “Fierce.” As Blair said, “[she’s] the crazy bitch around here.”

    The only thing Georgina did was serve as a pioneer of bad raccoon-resembling eye make-up whose footsteps Jenny would follow in season two. She wasn’t fierce! She was vapid. If you’re going to be a psycho bitch, you have to be a force of nature, unstoppable. Please see Susan Vance in Bringing Up Baby for what unstoppable insanity should be (albeit with a delightful comedic twist). What does it say about Georgina that for all her fierceness, it took Blair one scene to take her down, once she’d lost patience with her antics? Come on, the fear in G’s eyes when she heard B’s voice is proof enough that the true Queen Bitch of the Universe is, and always will be, my lovely B.

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  4. Amen, Nathan.

    Georgina was no real psycho bitch. She doesn’t compare to such classics as Sidney in Melrose Place, Patty Duke in Valley of the Dolls or so many classic Joan Crawford/Bette Davis roles that I can’t begin to list them here.

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    • Well, now that we have Bette and Joan covered, I think all we need is a “Heathers” and a “Dynasty” reference to complete our schooling Ben in the proper dimensions of psycho-bitchiness.

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      • I refuse to hear such claptrap. Blair is certainly conniving and a glorious bitch, but she lacks a certain unhinged quality that Georgina has. Blair plays the game brilliantly, but always by the rules of her social class. Let’s not forget that she was not above offering her “oral services” to Dan as a move against Serena; she’s the Gossip Girl version of the crazed sexual sociopath. I certainly agree that she’s hardly among the great crazy bitches pop culture, but compared to other side characters like Aaron Rose and Carter Baizen, she’s certainly proved the most interesting. She’ll never reach the heights of great psycho bitch because the writers are far too toothless to take her there; remember: Serena “killed” a guy by simply being in a room with a coke-head who overdosed.

        Also, the mere notion that she’ll be returning next week as a born-again Christian sends me into a tailspin of delight. Perhaps Georgina is the McDonald’s double-cheeseburger to a fine filet-mignon that’s been topped with cave-aged gruyere and served on a toasted brioche roll of great psycho bitches; I’ll certainly agree. That doesn’t mean I don’t love her, though. I can completely appreciate a fine meal, but we’re in a recession, so some times you’ve just gotta learn to enjoy the dollar menu.

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  5. Pish posh. There’s value menu, and then there is just dumpster diving. Please Ben, a modicum of taste is all I ask.

    And let’s not forget this: when you get down to it, it’s all about power. Blair has it. Georgina doesn’t. Her entire capacity to be a psycho bitch is dependent on Serena’s stupidity. Serena was dumb enough to compromise herself with Georgina, and foolish enough not to make a clean confession to Dan, thereby giving Georgina power over her she wouldn’t otherwise have. It’s kind of hard to be an entertaining psycho bitch when your only means of causing havoc is leeching off the idiocy of some trainwreck blonde. Blair has all the real capacity to cause mischief.

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    • No, no. Dumpster diving is defending Two and a Half Men as a comedy. We can all agree on that one.

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