The Cougar Really Does Make Dreams Come True


Did you see The Cougar last night?  If you didn’t, you honestly missed out on something truly magical in the realm of trashy, reality television.  It turns out that this show wasn’t a bad idea; it’s the best idea!  There were so many trains in this colossal train wreck that it’s difficult to know where to begin.

There was, for starters, the Vivica A. Fox train wreck.  She’s actually pretty likable as a hostess, and you feel kinda bad for seeing her have to sink so low for a paycheck.  That said, though, I’ve never seen a forehead been more botoxed in my entire life.  It really.  Doesn’t.  Move.  I guess that means the train wreck is actually Vivica A. Fox’s forehead, but still, yikes!

Then you have their version of the rose ceremony, which is called “the kiss off.”  She literally kisses contestants on the lips if they stay or the cheek if they’re out.  Trust me, it’s far more sexy than it sounds, particularly when she’s clearly making barf faces while kissing some of the 15 guys she had to keep on the show past this first elimination.  Oh the things a cougar must do in the quest for true love (of sex with men nearly half your age).

And let’s not forget the men themselves.  Hot damn is this a rough crowd.  Several of them are admittedly reasonably attractive in a generic straight dude sort of way, but then they ruin that modicum of attraction you muster by insisting on talking:

I think if you listen to them try to woo her enough, your ears may start to bleed.  That doesn’t mean you can turn away, though.  No no, you just cover your ears ’til these guys stop talking.  

Mostly, though, there’s this guy, Kevin.  He’s a particularly nasty train wreck (one where all the train cars are filled with puppies and kittens and rainbows) all unto himself:

You may find it surprising to learn, but Kevin got voted off in the first episode (!).  But he’s a life enthusiast with good looks, y’all!  Is there no justice whatsoever on The Cougar?  Perhaps the clincher was the pickup line he tried out on the cougar:

Would you like an Australian kiss?  It’s like a French kiss, but down under.

Apparently those classy words are not the way to a cougar’s “heart” (lady-box).  Who knew?

Really, if this is not enough to convince you of the undeniable greatness that is The Cougar, you really must just watch it for yourself online.  Like I said, this mess is magical, and I stand by that 100%.  Hell, make that 110%.  I’m a life enthusiast like that.

One Response

  1. This is the best birthday present EVER.


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