There’s No Reason for the Butterfinger Buzz to Exist

Did you know that the Butterfinger Buzz claims to be a regular Butterfing with an energy drink’s worth of caffeine in it.  They advertise it as a candy bar, and I suppose it is one in so much as that it’s a sugar-based product that is shaped like a bar and is covered with chocolate and put in a wrapper to be individually sold for consumption. I prefer to only recognize it as a sign of the apocalypse, Satan’s favorite snack, if you will.  Perhaps I’m acting like a total cranky-pants-gramps, stuck in the days where candy bars cracked you out from the sugar rush, but this “candy bar” looks beyond foul.  Who the hell wants this, this thing?

Oh, wait.  These people:

Ohhhhhhhhhhh, I get it now.  Butterfinger Buzz is for assholes who make the worst decisions while under the influence of caffeine.  These people are like the EXTREME guys from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, except they’ve replaced the satirical depiction of unacceptable behavior with thinking this behavior is hip and something we should all hope to emulate.  It’s not.  Absolutely not at all.

And the Butterfinger Buzz is also apparently useful at raves:

Yikes.  The only thing worse than terrible people are terrible people tripping balls because they ate a bad “candy bar.”

I’m at least glad I now have a new barometer for making friends, though:

Me: Have you heard about the Butterfinger Buzz?

Person I Just Met: Yeah, they’re delicious.  I had one just yesterday.

Me: Never speak to me again.

2 Responses

  1. Funny thing. I walked into the 7-11 the other day on my way to bowling night and thought, “I could really use a soda or something to wake me up before I hit the lanes.” And lo and behold what do I discover: Butterfinger Buzz! So I had one. Frankly, it’s basically the same things as a regular Butterfinger (taste-wise), but with caff. I was a little disturbed by the whole proposition, but it was better than an energy drink. That said, I’ll probably never have another BB, but I’m nursing a hangopver with a Red Bull right now.


    • Well, I just once again proved myself to be a human pigeon by eating an entire Dominos thin crust pizza, so I should probably not dare to ever judge anyone else’s eating habits.


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