Thank Goodness There’s a Three-Week Gossip Girl Sabbatical Now

It’ll be a nice opportunity to grow back some of the soul that the past three weeks of this nuclear-grade disaster-bomb have destroyed.  I really hope that Gossip Girl isn’t practicing a scorched earth policy with their soul-killing descent into unrepentant atrociousness, ‘cos seriously, y’all:


Given that recapping last night’s Gossip Girl constitutes forcing yourself into a state of post-traumatic stress, I’m going to try to keep this brief.  Hopefully I won’t blackout in a fit of rage before I’m finished writing this damn thing.  Anyways.

In last night’s main plot, the Humphreys and the van der Woodsens decide to team up and throw Jenny a high-society sweet sixteen party.  Jenny’s makes sad racoon eyes because she wants a smaller party because everybody hates her.  Don’t worry, little J, I don’t hate you.  I just hate your outfits.  Everybody does hate her, though, so Serena thinks she’s losing her social edge because Jenny’s birthday is actually about Serena.  Duh.  I hate how I always forget that your birthday is always about somebody else.

Serena secretly starts up the party again and invites her socialite friend/human-shaped-mass-of-awful-with-a-wretched-haircut-and-foul-bangs, Poppy, so everybody at school will thinks she’s cool.  Jenny proves to have a soul as ugly as the dress she wears to her party and invites everyone to the party through Gossip Girl and…oh, let’s just skip to the end.  Really, at this point in the episode, I was wishing I’d baked rat poison or cyanide into my shepherd’s pie so I could end the dreadful suffering.  

So Serena ends up deciding to leave for Spain with Poppy for a week because she didn’t like being grounded for being a selfish bitch, and it’s hinted that perhaps she had a scandalous past in Europe because Poppy’s boyfriend recognizes Serena by a different name.  Given this show’s track record, it’ll be neither all that scandalous nor something the screenwriters will want to deal with for more than a two episode, so color me who-gives-a-damn?

We also saw that Nate and Blair appearred to be bumping uglies before classes start, but it later turns out that they were just having french toast.  Vanessa gets an e-mail from Nate to talk about their relationship, sees Blair leave Nate’s apartment, and then discovers Chuck set her up to witness this. They connive to get back their respective interests at Jenny’s party and fail, so Chuck and Vanessa decide to skip the french toast and go straight to the nasty.  I would’ve preferred the french toast (or perhaps beignets), but that’s just me.  Nate and Blair get back together and suck face in Central Park because the writers on this show are experts at giving the audience exactly what we didn’t ask for, so the end.

I really hope that the three-week break allows the show to get back on track, but I suspect that would require them to hire an entirely new writing staff, so I’m really only hoping the show has simply hit rock bottom.  If this gets any worse, I’m going to start throwing things at my television, so I hope that Georgina’s promised return won’t be made sour.  I just might break my television.

Oh, also: Rufus is poor too poor to pay for Yale, but he’s a Humphrey.  Apparently that means…something?  Feel free to leave your best guess in the comments, y’all.

(Also, as my friend Nathan noted, Poppy’s boyfriend actually recognized Serena from her clubbing days with Georgina; however, this show has generated so much apathy in me that I refuse to be bothered with actually correcting my text.)

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