Last Night’s Gossip Girl Continues on the Track to Train-Wrecksville

Did you ever see Little Children?  Hopefully this’ll jog your memory if you don’t know what I’m talking about:

Remember it now?  It was that drama from 2006 with the totally brilliant trailer that ended up being rather average.  Kate Winslet and Patrick Wilson have an affair because they’re bored suburbanites, and it’s also a satire of these bored suburbanites because their lives are pretty decent but they’re still behaving like selfish brats who can’t grow up, so it’s about adults behaving like little children.  Got it?  Good.  

Why am I saying this?  Well, I really like the trailer and it also contains a toy train train wreck, which is a perfect visual metaphor for this week’s episode: still a total train wreck, but now on a smaller and incredibly more inane scale.

In the main plot, Nate and Dan and Vanessa go to Nate’s family reunion so Nate can patch things up with his grandfather.  Nate plays touch football with his relatives, but people get knocked over by these “touches.”  That kinda defeats the point, you WASPy jackasses.  Grass stains take forever to get out of you J. Crew sweaters!  

Meanwhile, Dan and Vanessa were proving the old adage that you can take the snarky, hipster Brooklynite out of Brooklyn; but they’ll still be terrible, snarky hipsters–just in a different locale.  The way they disguised shit-talking Nate’s family as disbelief of the insane wealth was obnoxious because it shows just how sloppy the writers have gotten this season.  Nate’s family is written as over-the-top in their wealth and lineage, and we’re supposed to identify with Dan and Vanessa because they (like us) are not über-rich or with some psychotically cliched family history.  Identify with a self-involved teenager who writes really bad fiction (those that forget of Charlie Trout are doomed to repeat it) and an uninspired, one-dimensional writer’s idea of a hip and artsy girl from Brooklyn?  Thanks, but I’ll just throw myself in front of the G.

Nate patches things up with his grandfather, which of course means strings shall be pulled to secure Nate a summer internship at the mayor’s office, which of course has to happen just to piss Vanessa off because that mean’s he’s canceling their “bohemian” summer abroad in Europe, which of course leads Nate back into the arms of Blair.  Of course.  

Speaking of Blair, she’s “new Blair” now, which apparently involves her becoming a drunken, bitchy gay man with a penchant for shoplifting and dropping gossip bombs at high society events.  There’s also a commercial-break cliffhanger in which she mysterious enters an apartment, the audience of course thinks Blair’s gone call girl, but she’s in fact begging a person in admissions to Sarah Harvey to let her apply now that her life at Yale is over, so really she’s just old Blair with a higher blood-alcohol content level.  

There’s also more Carter Baizen nonsense, ending Serena and Chuck sending him to Dubai (the obvious destination for all skeezeball businessmen), and then he makes all these intimations that Serena did terrible things when they were both on a trip to Greece.  This’ll indubitably be like the flat-ironed-to-hell hair that she was sporting this episode, or that time she confessed to killing someone but it turned out she was just in the room with him when he over-dosed on coke: really fuckin’ lame.  Hopefully the writers will embrace the opportunity to dirty up Serena a little by not pulling any punches with these surprises, but that seems entirely unlikely.  Also: when the hell did this trip supposedly take place?

Worst of all is the subplot, though, is the subplot involving the TWO ADULTS, Rufus and Lily, making lists of who they dated.  Lily gets all ashamed at how long her list is, so she only shows parts of it to him, but then he finds the rest of the list and they fight over Chinese food only make-up before episode’s end.  Between finding Dan’s letter to hot-for-Dan teacher last episode and the rest of Lily’s list this episode, he’s becoming a regular private eye.  He should close his gallery and start a detective agency, and his first assignment can be figuring out who thought this subplot was a good idea.  

The notion that two grown adults would even bother making these lists is beyond preposterous; these lists are the sort of thing that teenagers and people with the emotional maturity of teenagers think actually have any baring or relevance on a relationship.  When you’re forty-something divorcees who reheat your romance the night before one of you is getting married, chances are you have a little more perspective on what does and doesn’t matter in a relationship.  Lily and Rufus, apparently, do not:

 

GOSSIP GIRL

These two are so pathetically, ridiculously immature that they deserve each other.  Little children indeed.

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