Let’s All Guess Esther’s Secret

While I was perusing the interweb this afternoon, I stumbled upon the trailer for an upcoming horror movie called Orphan.  It stars Peter Sarsgaard (yum) and Fiona Apple Vera Farmiga (who incidentally was also Joshua, another evil kid movie), and it looks like a riot.  I mean, this is the trailer:

Roh-no!  There’s something wrong with Esther, a secret that you’ll NEVER GUESS.  If that’s a challenge, then I accept, trailer.  Let’s all take a guess at what Esther’s secret is (be sure to leave yours in the comments section).  I’ll go first.  I think Esther’s possibly:

  1. A vampire.  That choker on her neck has me totally suspicious.
  2. The antichrist.  They never have birth records and are pure, unmitigated evil.  Just go watch The Omen (not the remake, the original, le duh).  
  3. An Eastern European demon/ghost/monster disguised as a girl.  Seriously, her accent is ridiculous.
  4. A robot girl that got switched to “Kill” mode.  

This movie may look like an uninspired rip-off of every Bad Seed-esque movie ever made, but I really want to see it now.  I have to know her secret.  That tag line is like a cruel taunt.  At least there’s plenty of juicy moments of hysteria (everybody is just freaking out in this movie!  EVERYBODY!) and evil kid cliches to keep the camp factor at (the very least) a solid 7.5.  Excellent.

Also, I think we can all agree: that one girl totally had that shove from the playground coming.  Jokes that are that cliched are inappropriate at any age.

UPDATE (7/8/09): Esther’s secret seems to have spoiled its way onto the internet.  Thoughts on its validity can be found here; the alleged twist in its its original comment form can be found here.

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14 Responses

  1. She’s clearly the demon exorcised from Emily Rose.

    That, or an experiment gone wrong from AI.

    Like

  2. I think she just wants to be allowed to wear junior slut outfits like all the other young hoochies and is severely annoyed with her sub-convent duds. There’s my $ 0.02. That is why I usually dress my little girl as a little boy.

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  3. She has a penis in place of her big toe on her left foot.

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  4. Well, she is singing at the end, what sounds like an old jazz melody. (not very scary). So that dates her. I’d say she is the devil for sure. But a cool devil from the depression era. Or at least a jazzy devil.

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  5. They SHOULD have just made Don’t Deliver Us From Evil 2

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  6. Hmm she seems pretty normal. My guess would be that she has a secret addiction to chocolates.

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  7. […] Marketing Campaign Ages Like Fine Cheese Some months back, I randomly stumbled upon the totally ridiculous looking trailer for Orphan,and I immediately began to wonder what the hell her secret is.  Of course, I’m equally […]

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  8. In one spoiler, it was the soul of their child….they lost

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    • That spoiler makes no sense in terms of the trailer, so I love it. If you end up being right, I’ll eat my blog shoe, a la Herzog. And I’ll send you a cookie. A la me.

      Like

  9. i heard from a friend that she is actually an adult pretending to be a child. come on, that is freaky! Now I know on 21 Jump Street they were narcs pretending to be in high school, but to pretend to be a little girl is a much bigger age jump.

    remember that ghost story when we were kids where the guy finally undid the ribbon from the girl’s neck and her head rolled off? and then the head told the guy “see i told you not to do that?” the choker she was wearing made me think that would be the (lame) twist.

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    • Ever since that trailer, I’ve totally been thinking the same thing: she’s going to be the headless ghost. But that ending would be ass-and-a-half, so I’m hoping it’ll be something slightly more intriguing. If there’s even one scene of her defensively keeping people from touching her choker, I’ll crap my pants in anger.

      I’d totally buy it that she’s actually an adult that doesn’t age (or at least ages much slower). Maybe that’s why she’s puttin’ the moves on Peter Sarsgaard? That’s still a twist that I’m not keen on ‘cos a murderous woman who looks like a little girl is far less creepy or campily fun than a murderous little girl.

      Whatever the secret, I’ll totally be seeing it opening night. And then I’ll inevitably and angrily blog about how much it sucks.

      Like

  10. […] rest of the film looks to be a hysterics-laden, garishly over-the-top Bad-Seed-esque horror film was always reason enough to see Orphan.  But it’s the ending (if it is the ending), in all its tawdry Gothic […]

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  11. Totally agree with the head falling off gig. That was my thought as well when I saw that black choker.

    Now that I know the big shocker (I’m still getting over the stupidity of it all), I once thought that she was one of the following:

    -The Antichrist
    -She had something to do with the stillborn being … well… stillborn.
    -She might be the spirit of their dead child
    -Etc.

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  12. Esther is not a 9 year old little girl. SPOILER ALERT! She is a 33 year old women how has a disorder that makes her look very young. She wears the ribbins because she went to a mental institution and was the most violent patient there. Anyway she has scars from the straight jacket from it digging into her skin. When she was young she was sexually harrassed. She is just misunderstood and doesn’t know how to deal with looking like a child for the rest of her life. Put your self in her shoes if you would look like a child for the rest of your life and never find love, wouldnt you have lots of rage and go killing people plus remember she was sexually harrassed as a real child

    Like

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