The Real Housewives of New Jersey is Television Genius

I traditionally avoid the Real Housewives shows on Bravo because the people on it tend to make my soul hurt.  Thankfully, Bravo has found the perfect solution in crafting their latest reality-tv-show-about-swamp-monsters-disguised-as-women: they’ve set it in New Jersey.  Look at this cast of lovely ladies:


Apparently two of the women are sisters who’re married to two brothers who run a catering business, and the two sisters’ brother is married to another of the housewives.  Sweet, I love it when they keep the drama in the family.  You know these fights are going to get extra nasty because this hornet’s nest of Aqua-Net-infused bitchiness is so tightly knit.

Oh.  There’s also this:

[clearspring_widget title=”Bravo TV Video – Strip Club or Law School?” wid=”4657041ec2a2cf53″ pid=”49c166be6715ae7d” width=”400″ height=”400″ domain=””]

Yes, you heard correct.  There will be a plot point in this show in which the hot son goes to law school while his brother dreams of opening a strip club/car wash (huh?).  I’m pretty certain my mother would bludgeon me into a coma with the nearest blunt object if I ever told her my life’s ambition was to open a strip club.  The idea of a mother hoping her son’s strip club isn’t just foreign to me, it’s flat out alien, which makes Real Housewives of New Jersey a documentary about space travel and an alien race of humanoids.  Excellent.

And I think we can agree that we’ve all been here before:

[clearspring_widget title=”Bravo TV Video – First Date Jitters” wid=”4657041ec2a2cf53″ pid=”49c16a628d4045fd” width=”400″ height=”400″ domain=””]

Damn, y’all.  It really is hard to figure out what to wear for a date with a guy that you’ve had phone sex with but don’t actually know his name.  You don’t want to wear something that he saw in a picture when you’re a housewife of New Jersey because that makes you look cheap ‘cos you’re recycling your outfits when you actually have soooo many, but then you realize that he’s only seen pictures of you in your birthday suit, so that’s one problem solved.  But then you remember your hair, and how it’s going to totally frizz in this weather, and the panic kicks back in.

And then there’s prepping for your over-dinner conversation.  What’re you going to talk about?  What if you’ve nothing to talk about and it’s just silence between you two as you eat at the classiest foreign restaurant in Jersey that you know (Olive Garden, duh), so then you go back to the conversation that feels so familiar to you both.  You’re just going to make the other customers uncomfortable, and you can only use the “Sorry, I was just reenacting my favorite scene from When Harry Met Sally” line SO MANY TIMES.  UGH.  Dating is hard.

Oh, wait.  It’s not hard.  Chances are, if you can only discuss genitals, you probably SHOULDN’T DATE THEM.  Just a suggestion, New Jersey housewife.  ‘Til I publish my New York Times best-selling dating guide entitled He’s Just Not That Into You if He Only Wants Phone Sex, let’s keep this one a secret between you and I.

Fortunately, this madness doesn’t arrive ’til May 12th, so we’ve time to prepare (and empty our DVR machines).  Good gravy, though, this disaster-bomb can’t come soon enough.

One Response

  1. Isn’t the whole point of being a stripper that you don’t have to work at a car wash?

    I must say, though, this show makes me regret canceling cable.


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