Against All Odds, I Think I Might Tolerate a West Side Story Remake

There’s no denying that this little lady is pretty damn near flawless:

So, when you’re dealing with such perfection, of course somebody has to go screw it up.  It’s a Hollywood rule.  Thankfully, the closest West Side Story is to a remake green light is a Broadway revival and this Vanity Fair photo spread.  Looks like we’re safe.  For today.

Still, that Vanity Fair spread does raise the specter of a possibility, and–as much as it startles me to admit to it–I wouldn’t be completely opposed.  

For example, it might be nice to cast a Maria and a Bernardo that, you know, are actually Puerto Rican.  Don’t get me wrong: I love Natalie Wood and George Chakiris, but I think we’ve made enough progress in Hollywood to where we could actually make casting decisions beyond simply relying upon your cast to be “ethnic looking enough” to pass as Puerto Rican, let alone Latin American.   That’s just a suggestion.  

Also, even though I totally love my West Side Story soundtrack, I’m never opposed to an opportunity to have a more dynamic, fleshed-out recording.  Recording technology has come a long way since 1961.  And, speaking of the soundtrack, cast leads that can sing their parts!  I know that it’s somewhat trivial; I for one never particularly noticed that Natalie Wood and Richard Beymer were dubbed, but that knowledge is still always somewhat distracting and disengaging.  

Mostly, though, as they picked up on in the Vanity Fair shoot, they absolutely must cast Rodrigo Santoro as Bernardo. Even if he can’t sing worth a damn; just dub him.  I don’t mind.  Seriously, just look at him:

rodrigo-sexy

The photo shoot already proves that he can more than pull off the moves, and he looks downright delectable in those clothes.  And even if he didn’t, the role of Bernado could always be rewritten to involve him in a perpetual state of shirtlessness, because seriously, y’all:

santoro

I don’t even need to editorialize the above picture with pink letters because his abs are just that profound.  I really just can’t deal with all of his sexiness.  

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to go lie down.  I’ve suddenly developed a terrible case of the vapors, and I feel quite weak.

Oh, but before I go, if Hollywood does decide to remake West Side Story, please DO NOT cast Camilla Belle.  She can’t even act in her photos.  Just look at her grieving Maria: she’s not sad, just really freakin’ gassy.

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2 Responses

  1. […] stars a tag team of handsomeness in terms of its romantic leads is completely fine in my book.  We all know how I feel about Mr. Santoro, and while I definitely think Post Grad looks to be missing the oh-so-integral […]

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  2. YOU DON’T REMAKE A MOVIE THAT HAS WON TEN ACADEMY AWARDS. THAT WOULD BE SUICIDE FOR MANY CONTEMPORARY DIRECTORS, CHOREOGRAPHERS,, ACTORS, ACTRESSES WHO JUST DON’T HAVE THAT KIND OF TALENT. WHO IN TODAY’S HOLLYWOOD COULD ACTUALLY IMPROVE ON THE GREATEST MOVIE MUSICAL EVER MADE ? NOBODY, THAT’S. WHO. THAT’S WHY IT HASN’T BEEN TRIED IN THE PAST FIFTY YEARS, AND SHOULDN’T BE FOR THE NEXT HUNDRED. LEAVE IT ALONE, AND LET IT STAND AS THE UNIQUE ARTISTIC TRIUMPH THAT IS, & DON’T TRY TO TOP IT, BECAUSE YOU WILL FAIL, & THE REMAKE WILL SUCK !

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