With Friends Like Last Night’s Gossip Girl, Who Wants a Return From Hiatus?

Did you see the highly anticipated (for me) return of the trashtastic Gossip Girl?  If you did, well, I’m sorry.  So, so sorry.  Let’s go back to happier times, when Blair and Chuck were literally destroying the episode’s film stock with their fiery passion, and the print campaigns for the show had parents decrying both show and campaign alike as obscenity.  Oh wait, I can’t, ‘cos seriously:

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I recognize that I’m frequently given to hyperbole; I suspect that a predilection towards hyperbole is part of my homo-DNA, but I’m not a geneticist.  I am a Gossip Girl fan (also most likely related to the gay gene), though, and I can most certainly say that last night’s episode of Gossip Girl was wretched.  Perhaps some of the worst television I’ve ever seen.  Seriously, this is the episode written by that pretentious asshole that sat behind you in high school English, spicing up their conversation with name-dropping and pseudo-intellectual ruminations about “art” that nobody asked for.  

And I most definitely did not ask for this, Gossip Girl.

The main plot about everyone putting on an adaptation of The Age of Innocence allowed them to name-drop Edith Warton a lot and cherry-pick generic, Cliffs-Notes-esque analysis of the book; Gossip Girl also decided to try on her old pair of clever pants, but that just makes her climax look fat.  And by fat, I mean lazy and insipid and uninspired.  

The play also introduces this up-and-coming big-shot stage director character that Serena has a crush on.  He’s got stubble, dark brown hair, and blue eyes.  Aesthetically, I should find him attractive:

harmonwalsh

Sadly, that asshole from English class is also the basis for this guy’s character, so he’s dreadful.  And even when he ends up being gay, I’d still jump in front of oncoming traffic if he approached me on the street.  Blech.  

The Chuck-Bass-in-Eyes-Wide-Shut-2 plot was resolved impressively fast (even for GG standards), which thankfully means we’ll never never have to see dreadful hooker woman; her acting was so painfully bad that it was as if she was even struggling just reciting the lines.  Malin Akerman will win a million Oscars before the talking hooker mannequin.  Also, something about a tattoo, but I was getting bored and restless and screechy by that point.

There’re also lame plots about Blair not getting into Yale because an anonymous tipster informed the Dean of Yale about her detention, which leads to a rage-page until she discovers that it was the teacher whose sleeping with Dan whose been saying mean things to Gossip Girl and the Dean, and so then Blair decides she’s going to feel guilty because she recognizes she has the moral equivalency of a back-stabbing swamp monster.  She’s most pleasurable when she’s a megaton bitch, so the next two episodes with her will probably be like Lunesta.  

Lame.

Nate and Vanessa fight and then make Nate suspects Vanessa likes the gay director and because they don’t have any common interests and he won’t watch her DVD of Age of Innocence.  

Whatever.  They’re too boring to justify a second sentence of plot description.

I’d also mention how Jenny continues to look like a strung-out, drowned raccoon dressed in an F5 tornado of fug, but that’s like observing that the sky is blue, so never mind.

Mostly, though, the hot-for-teacher plot line between hot-for-Dan teacher and Dan.  It was a train wreck.  Her leaving her key in an envelope for him only to have Rufus discover it was bad. Rufus confronting her at her apartment for some classy, barely-legal lovin’ (there were lit candles: the essence of class) was really bad.  Oh, and Dan’s defense of his idiot affair, that’s he’s eighteen (JEEZ!  ADULTS JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!), is roaringly bad. But the worst is that, after Dan breaks up with her shortly after having ridicu-awkward sex with her in the costume closet because that’s THE MOST DISCRETE PLACE to have on campus sex, the teacher gets all mopey and apologizes to Blair for getting her kicked out of Yale and sending mean things about her to Gossip Girl and explains that she doesn’t know who she is since she’s moved to New York City and she’s going back to the midwest BLAH BLAH BLAH BARF.  Really, people, if you insist on having your illicit teacher-student affairs, please learn how to plot them CORRECTLY:

Hysterics!  Gold stars!  Crazy hair!  More hysterics!  That’s what this week’s episode needed.  

That, and a bad idea lobotomy.

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