Later today, after months of anticipation, I’ll be seeing this nonsense:
The poster alone is positively ridiculous, and judging by the reviews, so is the movie. I keep on hearing talk that the acting is essentially tone-deaf and that the movie is life-less and fetishistic of its source material, but that merely gives me hope.
Given that I’ve never read Watchmen and therefore have no basis for criticism as an adaptation, I merely get to watch it as a movie. And, as I see it, Watchmen will either be completely enthralling as an intelligent deconstruction of super-hero mythologies (as the graphic novel apparently is), or Watchmen will be absolutely terrible. We’re talking Batman & Robin terrible. As far as I’m concerned, that’s excellent.
I’ll certainly give Zack Snyder slack seeing as he’s tackling an incredibly ambitious text with multiple narratives within narratives that doesn’t particularly lend itself to film. Added to that, there’s been much talk about how DVD releases of the film will only increase the nearly-three-hour running time so that even more of the comic can find its way onto our screens. Watchmen, or at least the incarnation that’s been released into theaters this weekend, is obviously little more than a cinematic working draft for Snyder, and that’s fine. We’ll all have to wait months more to witness his true vision, and that’s perfectly acceptable.
Particularly if Watchmen is terrible.
While studios have released plenty of movies like X-Men: The Last Stand and Superman Returns and both of the Fantastic Four movies (seriously, on a side note, who ever told Jessica Alba she can act? She can’t even convincingly play herself on Entourage! She’s the worst. Period. Side-rant done.), we haven’t gotten an epically bad super-hero movie in quite some time. Even the dregs of comic-book cinema (I’m talking to you, Daredevil) have been uninspired bores, movies that have lacked both the quality to make them worth watching and the utter level of craptitude to make them camp delights. It’s been quite a long time since we’ve been blessed(?) with a movie as shockingly ludicrous as Schumacher’s Batman & Robin, a movie that is simply so bad that it demands multiple viewings to truly wrap your head around its misguided brilliance. And Uma Thurman’s hot-pink wig.
Thankfully, though, we’ve got Zack Snyder.
300 could’ve been such a movie had it not been completely homophobic and misogynistic. Provided Watchmen doesn’t carry the same unpleasant sexual and gender politics of the prior, I honestly think we’ve got a winner. I honestly smell a whiff of Showgirls at this point, and I couldn’t be happier. Word has it that Malin Akerman is a hot mess of “acting.” If you need proof, here’s a clip to make you a believer:
Hell, this clip just makes me a believer in Watchmen. Everything about it smacks of being SO SERIOUS AND DARK AND GRITTY that I can’t handle it. Perhaps Watchmen will follow in the footsteps of The Dark Knight and take its place as a film that further legitimizes the artistic integrity of the comic book movie.
Between Malin Akerman’s ridiculous wig, the ample (over)use of slow-motion, and the thoroughly mixed reviews coming down the pipeline, though, I’m simply crossing my fingers for a seriously over-baked turkey. Just thinking about the possibilities of its crispy, camptastic skin, slathered with an artery-clogging amount of ridiculous gravy, well, that sounds delectable. Either way, though, I win.
I. CAN’T. WAIT.