Get Hollywood a Bailout, People, ‘Cos It’s Bankrupt on Ideas!

When I was a young, Freddy Krueger scared the living bejeezus out of me so much so that I’d refuse to go into movie theaters until my parents could confirm that there were no posters for a new Nightmare on Elm Street movie in the lobby, and if there happened to be one, I’d have a fit.  That my parents would put up with such absurdity is an impressive testament to their patience and love because I can’t even imagine how insufferable I must’ve been.   Were I in their shoes, I suspect I would’ve screeched, “You won’t step in the theater?  Then we’re going back home, and you’ll just have to watch Land Before Time!  AGAIN!!!”  But I’m writing about movies, not parenting styles, so I digress.

Anyways, my fear eventually turned to love, and I now regard A Nightmare  on Elm Street as one of my all-time favorite horror movies.  This scene pretty much sums up why [oh, and it’s NSFM (Not Safe For Mom)]:

 Wes Craven, you are brilliant.  Totally insane, but brilliant.   Between the Freddy tongue coming out of the phone, the crazy drunk mom, and Johnny Depp being dragged into his bed and spit out as a geyser of blood, well, you don’t get much better than that.  But that doesn’t mean Hollywood’s not gonna give it a shot.

And totally fail at it in the process.

In fact, according to ComingSoon.net, Platinum Dunes just recently announced the new A Nightmare on Elm Street remake will drop on April 16, 2010.  I think their poster should be a simple homage to the original, something like this:


sad-elm-street

See?  I always feel like posters work best when they let you know exactly what sort of experience you’ll be buying a ticket for, and I think this one nails it.  The producers might balk, but you can’t really trust anyone who thinks it’s actually a good idea to remake A Nightmare on Elm Street in the first place.  

To me, this whole affair smacks of another Friday the 13th-esque disaster.  What do they intend to improve?  Yes, perhaps the effects are a bit dated looking, but CGI will indubitably look equally (if not more) ridiculous.  I don’t like the idea of anybody but Robert Englund in the role of Freddy, and I don’t like the idea of them creating a new look for Freddy.  I’m trying to tell myself that Samuel Bayer, who’s done some great work with Garbage, might actually give the film enough visual kick to slightly redeem this tragedy, but I’m frankly just not ready to be that optimistic yet.  And also, they’re MUSIC VIDEOS.  

So I’m considering the gauntlet thrown down, y’all.  The Nightmare on Elm Street remake backlash has begun, bitches, and I’ll take no prisoners.  I expect a hell of a trailer before I even remotely consider changing my stance on this one.

Oh, and a Shirley Manson cameo as well.

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2 Responses

  1. […] Long Live the New Boycott! In the past weeks, I’ve oh so gradually begun to rethink my initial and total disgust at the prospect of a Nightmare on Elm Street remake, in large part because of the rather inspired casting of Jackie […]

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  2. […] yes, I may have in the past been a little harsh when it comes to the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.  Okay, I’ve definitely been really been harsh.  But whatever.  I […]

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