So last night I ran into my friend Brynn at Film Forum on my way to see Lola Montès–the crazy-brilliant cinematic extravaganza by Max Ophüls (more on that later)–and, while I was standing in line, she asked me, “So you know what comes out on Friday, right?”
My instantaneous reaction, given the inescapable barrage subway ads, movie trailers, and blue-johnson internet chatter, was obvious: Watchmen.
Oh, silly me! She was speaking in particular to Film Forum’s release schedule, and trust me when I say that the movie she had in mind doesn’t need any blue genitals to be twice the cinematic doozy that Watchmen will be.
Oh, snap, y’all! Having seen Leave Her to Heaven on a mere television, I can absolutely testify to how incredible it is as a movie, and I can guarantee that, on the big screen, it will positively MELT. YOUR. FACE. (Academically speaking.)
I think we all know what this means…
I’ll certainly give both movies credit on the grounds of having incredibly vivid, albeit very different, visual aesthetics. Watchmen definitely nails the dystopic super-hero noir vibe it’s going for: you’ve got an amalgamation of Dark Knight‘s civilization-on-the-brink anxiety and a splash of Schumacher Batman movies’ candy-colored razzle-dazzle to make the whole thing pop. As for Leave Her to Heaven, the hyper-stylized Technicolor gloriously captures the fever-pitched emotions of this exceptional melodrama. So in terms of eye candy, you can’t go wrong with either.
But what cinematic pleasures does Leave Her to Heaven have that Watchmen doesn’t have?
Does Watchmen have Gene Tierney seducing a famous novelist (played by über-dreamy Cornel Wilde) simply because he looks her recently deceased father to whom she was perhaps a little toooo close? Nope.
How about a scene in which a possessed Gene Tierney gallops into the mountains of New Mexico, strewing her fathers ashes t0-and-fro, TO-AND-FRO, while Alfred Newman’s thunderous horns sound an ominous warning to her unflinching obsessiveness? Watchmen may have a little Philip Glass in its soundtrack, but it also has a My Chemical Romance song that literally made throw up my chili-cheese-fries when I listened to a thirty-second clip on iTunes. That’s not going to win any points in Watchmen‘s favor.
Also, don’t even bother expecting any of the Watchmen to be driven to such psychotic heights of jealousy that they’re inspired to make this icy bitch face:
Also, don’t you just looove her sunglasses? Sorry, I digress. Point is: this soul-piercing hotness (both bitch face and sunglasses) won’t be found in Watchmen. Only in Leave Her to Heaven, y’all.
And will Leave Her to Heaven feature everything you could hope and wish for in terms of CGI-enhanced, full-frontal blue private bits? Oh, right. Fair enough. Tally one up for Watchmen.
I could easily come up with a gazillion more reasons for you to go see Leave Her to Heaven at Film Forum this weekend, but I don’t want to simply recount the entire film on this blog, because that’d spoil the fun for you and increase the chances of carpal tunnel for me. We call that a “lose-lose situation.”
Simply put, if you’re in New York City between March 6 and March 12, you should make haste to Film Forum and see Leave Her to Heaven on the big screen. No excuses! If you can believe in a world where men have masks of ever-shifting ink patterns or can be made of blue energy, then the wild lengths that Gene Tierney’s craziness drives her to should be easy to accept. This is standard(ly fabulous) melodrama, not atomic-era particle science, people!
Hell, go see Watchmen first, if you must, but remember: you only have one week for Leave Her to Heaven, so make it snappy. And if you don’t?
SHAME ON YOU! SHAME!!!
And it should probably go without saying, but thanks a bunch to Brynn for the oh-so-important reminder.