A.R. Rahman is One Step Closer to Becoming the Cuba Gooding Jr. of Best Song Oscar Winners

I may be profoundly unimpressed with the ridiculous Slumdog Millionaire sweep (Best Editing?  Really?), but I’m not such a crotchety bitch that I can’t recognize credit where credit is due, and I can fully admit that the end of Slumdog is innocuous and sweet:

There’s also something kinda creepy in a cultural-fetishization/imperialization sort of way, what with a movie about growing up in the slums of Mumbai being written and directed by two white men from the UK, but whatever.  I’d be inclined to complain about how, if the Academy really felt so inclined to give Slumdog a Best Song win, they could’ve at least picked the better song, but “Jai Ho” is perfectly fine, the Oscars are over, and we can all move on with our lives, right?

WRONG.  

Look at what I found on iTunes today:

jai-ho-awful

I didn’t realize that the way to cement your artistic credibility after an Oscar win was collaborate the Pussycat Dolls; I kinda thought associating with the Pussycat Dolls was more akin to artistically shooting yourself in the foot or trying to get a rare STD where your business altogether falls off after contact.  I guess that’s why he has the Oscar and I don’t.  

At the same time, this does mean that A.R. Rahman decided that his next career move, after winning an Oscar, was to work with the Pussycat Dolls; nothing so succinctly takes the piss out of Oscar self-importance quite like that (not even Catwoman, though that’s certainly a close second), so I’m kinda glad that A.R. Rahman is making the most of his newfound success by pimping out his song like it’s a showgirl at a boat convention (Showgirls references, like Showgirls itself, are always the best).  

Speaking of Showgirls, perhaps that’s the way we can turn this musical frown upside down.  Someone should make a movie called Showgirls 2: Slutdog  Millionaire, in which we follow the continuing adventures of Nomi Malone.  Now one question away from winning a million dollars on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”, a feat no other crack-whore has ever done, Nomi must now explain how the events in her life have lead her to know all the answers while constantly insisting that she’s a dancer, not a whore.  Cat fights and rampant toplessness ensue, and Gina Gershon can reprise her role as Cristal Connors for the phone-a-friend finale, which would indubitably have to be a question about painting nails.

Just imagine the cinematic sparks that would occur when you combine A.R. Rahman, the Pussycat Dolls, and  this luscious choreography:

Simply magical.

JAI HO!+THRUST IT!+PIQUE TURN!= Oscar Sweep 2K10.  Why?

D(uh): It is written.

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