The Only Thing That Matters This Weekend is “Friday the 13th”


Valentine’s Day, Schmalentine’s Day.  And yes, I’m even including the fact that the day afterwards (aka, Half-Priced Candy Day).  Nothing says “I love you” like taking your sweetie to the new remake of Friday the 13th.  Agreed?

Agreed.  If, of course, by “I love you,” you really want to say “I want to test the strength of our relationship by submitting you to this ridiculous looking movie.”  But don’t take my word for it; after all, I failed Romance 101 at the Relationship Community College for Continuing Education.


This movie does genuinely look quite delightful, so color me excited.  Why?  Well, I’ve never been a fan of the Friday the 13th franchise, so I’m not particularly invested with how the material is going to be treated; as a result, the level of expectation’s already been set low to maximize enjoyment.

Also, mathematically speaking (because I am my mother’s son), if there are 13 deaths in a 97 minute running time , that averages to 1 death per approximately every 7.5 minutes.  With so many people to off in so little time, I’m going to hazard a guess that this movie will really work the character development into overdrive (an overdrive of shoddily sketched out one-dimensional caricatures) so that we really feel for every character dispatched.  Feel nothing but glee, that is.  Like a game of limbo, my expectations are gettin’ lower!      

But then there’s this, this beautiful piece of news I saw when I checked out Rotten Tomatoes earlier this afternoon:


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  25%?  Twenty-freakin’-five percent???  That’s craptastically bad, cramazingly bad, even!  If there’s one thing I love more than horror movies, it’s really bad horror movies!  Such a score is practically like the Golden Stamp of Greatness.  I’m sure that no matter how bad Friday the 13th is, it’s nothing that a pre-theater vodka tonic (or three) can’t fix.  Obviously someone at New Line didn’t put that integral tidbit in the electronic press kit that went out to all the critics.  DO YOUR JOBS, PEOPLE!  WE’RE IN A RECESSION!


I think we all know what we have to do this week.  Go get your bon-bons and your boxed wine ready, y’all.  Friday the 13th promises to be THE RIDICULOUSNESS of this weekend, and you wouldn’t want to miss out on that, would you?  Didn’t think so.

2 Responses

  1. […] a Movie Review! For “Friday the 13th”!!! Remember last Friday, when we were still living in a world where Friday the 13th wasn’t out in theaters yet? […]


  2. […] yeah, I’m gonna turn that backlash frown upside down and keep the bitchiness to myself.  Past precedent suggests that my enthusiasm will eventually sour, but for now I’m happy to have the honeymoon phase. Possibly related […]


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