I Feel a Diva Rant a Comin’ On…

So I’m not really one for useless random lists that rank the best anything in movies (unless it’s by the AFI, in which I then incessantly pick it apart as if it were a personal affront or affirmation), particularly when these list are generated by sloppy research base of unqualified hooligans that probably spend way to much time on the IMDB message boards debating just how hot Megan Fox is in Transformers (rule of thumb, kids: girls that look like diseased strippers are not hot) and who shot first (Han or Greedo?  WHO CARES?).  They also call each other “gay” when their opinions clash, and they tend to have spelling and grammar skills that make most second graders look like Yale graduates.  Point being, these lists don’t deserve to be reported as news because their research pool are constantly poisoned by men in their mid-30s who still live at home with their mothers.  In the basement.  These people are frequently ignorant and all-around awful, so I probably should’ve just ignored this and moved along with my day.   But sometimes I just can’t.

ANYWAYS. I digress.

I saw this little “news” item over on Celebitchy and got school-girl giddy.  Apparently, a poll was conducted to compile a list of the 20 “Most Timeless Beauties.”  Color me intrigued.  And guess who won?

audreywinner

 

She really is the prettiest!  Those cheekbones!  That smile!  Her eyes!  And look at her appropriated image sell the hell out of some Gap skinny jeans:

I could never wear those pants because a) I have my mother’s hips and b) I’m not a girl, but if I didn’t have my mothers hips and an XY chromosome set, I’d totally rock those pants.  And by “rock those pants,” I mean do that dance to AC/DC’s “Back in Black” in the privacy of my own bedroom.  And then maybe post it to Youtube.

Maybe this list can be trusted, right?  (Wrong.)  Let’s see who’s number two!

no-jolie

SHE BEAT OUT GRACE KELLY AND MARILYN MONROE???!!!??!??  Look at the full list and just cry and cry and cry.  Then cry a some more:

1.) Audrey Hepburn
2.) Angelina Jolie
3.) Grace Kelly
4.) Marilyn Monroe
5.) Sophia Loren
6.) Catherine Zeta Jones
7.) Elizabeth Taylor
8.) Keira Knightley
9.) Halle Berry
10.) Brigitte Bardot
11.) Julia Roberts
12.) Vivien Leigh
13.) Nicole Kidman
14.) Cameron Diaz
15.) Doris Day
16.) Scarlett Johansson
17.) Charlize Theron
18.) Jennifer Aniston
19.) Michelle Pfeiffer
20.) Liv Tyler

I find this list so entirely vexing that I could blog about it for hours.  I’m glad that THE Catwoman (Michelle Pheiffer) found her way on this list, and I’m also glad that Liv Tyler got recognized for being the most fascinating yet underused contemporary cinematic face in America (I guess that’s what the 20th slot means?). INCONSEQUENTIAL!  Instead, I’ll just pick out a handful of truly egregious errors and let the rest of this abomination speak for itself.  

  • Firstly, while I have nothing against Angelina Jolie, she really isn’t number two of ALL TIME.  Seriously people, quit kidding yourself.  Her filmography is more uneven than a straight line drawn by an over-caffeinated four-year-old child.  For every Gia or Girl, Interrupted, there is also an Original Sin.  Or a Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.  Or Taking Lives.  And then there’s The ChangelingY’all, she really does want her child.  And another Oscar.  I could watch this trailer again and again for her histrionics (the movie not so much).  I really don’t have an issue with her being on the list.  REALLY.  Just not at number two.  She is gorgeous.  But give her some time to earn the right to beat Grace Kelly and Marilyn, even though the necessary time needed is actually not-enough-time-in-the-world.  
  • Secondly, I’m truly shocked that no early screen starlets beyond Vivien Leigh made the cut. Where are my Classic Hollywood Divas?  I get that this list wasn’t composed exclusively (we clearly mounted an attack and got Liz into the top ten, though) by gay men, but come on!  What of these lovely leading ladies that I present before you?crawford-smallJoan Crawford’s eyebrows were never merely set to “stun”;  they are set to DESTROY.  Bitch. IS. Fierce.  Period.  davis-smallBette Davis got an entire pop song devoted to her eyes.  Et tu, CAMERON DIAZ?  ET TU?  Thought so.dietrich-smallMarlene Dietrich’s cheekbones are so intense that they could cut diamonds.  They could also cut a bitch.  Be careful, ladies.stanwyck-smallDon’t mess with Barbara Stanwyck.  She’ll take the scissors to ya.  Or she’ll just have you killed for the insurance payoff.  Or she’ll just beat you senseless like a good madame would, you dirt-farmer-loving tramp.  Regardless, please tread lightly around the Stanwyck.  She.  Will. Wreck you.
  • Lastly, one of the listed women just simply, utterly, truly does not belong on this list.  Ever.  Which one?  This one:stop-it-jennI clearly wait to be proven wrong (aka, I’ll never be proven wrong), but–as I recall–she’s largely remembered for two things: her stint as the list interesting (at least until Monica got married to Chandler) female on Friends, and being tabloid fodder as Brad Pitt’s ex.  Sorry, Ms. Aniston.  The Good Girl just ain’t enough.  You don’t belong here on this list, even if she‘s here as well.  This is a list for “timeless beauties,” not “pretty girls who unfortunately do not disappear from the public eye,” thus preying upon this idiot generation’s cultural ADD and undeservedly ending up on this list.  Seriously.  Stop it.  Right now.

*Whew!*  I’m glad to get that all out.  Now let’s put this damn list in the bad-idea bank and lock that vault.  I’m done with it. FOREVER.

Thanks to Celebitchy for the story.

And thanks to Dr. Macro for those wonderful pictures of my favorite missing ladies.

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