If anyone can explain to me how in the world Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale movie could conceivably not be the best Christmas movie of all time, I’d love to sit through their Powerpoint presentation plumbing the depths of that argument, because I’m just not buying it. I mean, we all know I love me some batshit crazy, and this movie looks like it’s bringing the crazy like an extra-large stocking overstuffed with spades. How can we possibly lose? Oh, that’s right: WE CAN’T. And don’t take my obviously biased and ofttimes hyperbolic word for it. Do yourself a favor and bathe your eyeballs in the glorious insanity of the Rare Exports trailer:
Look, I may not Facebook like Justin Bieber, and we all know Facebook liking is the only liking that counts (hint hint), but that doesn’t mean I can’t occasionally be in awe of tweendom’s most famous lesbian popstar, and this trailer for Never Say Never is one such moment:
AWE.
Okay, so I admittedly haven’t actually watched this trailer for the following reasons:
As a result, I can’t actually say if this movie looks any good; however, I can definitely say that this is a movie I’ll never see because this is not my face right now:
Take the poster for Black Swan for example. This poster alone is enough to send me into a hundred fits of gay vapors (or “gaypors,” if you’re in the know). Just look at this piping hot plate of Natalie Portman FACE:
OOH, IT BURNS! Seriously, though, this poster’s phenomenal. It’s gorgeous with a subtle air of creepy, and all of it demands that I get my ass to the theater as soon as possible to see this movie, which is sorta like how I feel whenever I watch the trailer. Except for the part where the trailer makes my head explode. If you’ve seen the trailer, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, change that poor life choice of yours IMMEDIATELY. Either way, let’s all give it a spin and discuss:
Well, first things first:
It’s been over a year since I last threw on my gay claws and tippity-typed up a frothing homo frenzy about Sucker Punch, Zack Snyder’s live action follow-up to Watchmen, and so much has happened since then, y’all. Carla Gugino helped unleash the candy-colored Kraken of camp that is Women in Trouble, and Zack Snyder made an animated family film about owls:
One of these makes me cackle because it’s fabulous, and the other makes me cackle because my brain cannot comprehend that it’s a thing that actually exists. You’re welcome to try and figure out which one’s which, but please, don’t strain yourself.
ANYWAYS, more important than any of that stuff tangentially related to my Sucker Punch anticipation is the fact that the teaser phase of marketing has finally kicked-off. This explains why we’ve now got six character-based teaser posters over at the film’s official website. There’s one for Emily Browning as Baby Doll:
One for Jamie Chung as Amber:
I recognize that this new trailer for the two-part Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows raises all sorts of questions. For example, if you’ve never read any of the Harry Potter franchise, you might be asking yourself the following:
Or, if you’re like me, you’ll tell Sister Aloysious over there to go shove it up her habit and then try and figure out just how much you’re going to cry at the end of the movie. (After all, “Am I going to cry?” is such a stupid, stupid question.)
ANYWAYS, I’m pretty sure one question–nay, the most important question!–we’re all asking ourselves after watching this trailer has nothing to do with cry-baby tears or self-aggrandizing promotion or whether or not really need to tell the story of Harry and Ron and Hermione wandering a forest over the course of two separate films. No no, we’re all wondering what in the world is Hermione wearing in that one scene? Which scene? This scene:
Call me a persnickety bitch, but I normally try to avoid posting an obvious bootleg of a trailer. The video quality’s never particularly great, the damn thing will inevitably get yanked down from YouTube the second that the suits get wind of its leak, and besides, I prefer patience over the tacky interweb nerd impulse to be first because I like to think it speaks of my refined aesthetic appreciation (Showgirls). That said, Super 8 is a J.J. Abrams movie produced by Steven Spielberg, which means this teaser trailer is just as exciting as a teaser trailer for a Michael Bay movie produced by Steven Spielberg except for the whole I-was-being-ironic thing, so you know what? Nerd up, bitches, ‘cos FIRST (or, at this point, LAST?):
Obviously we know nothing about this movie save for that: a) there’s a literal train wreck (as opposed to the metaphorical train wreck that is a Michael Bay movie), and b) this movie’s most likely about a space alien from Area 51, but apparently that’s all I need for me to know what I’ll be doing with my $12.50 at some indeterminate time that’s over a year away. So kudos to you, J.J. Abrams. Even though Super 8 has as much potential as it does buzz (bahoodles), you’ve also once again proven that it takes practically NOTHING to get me interested in a movie. Sorta like that one movie I was excited to see simply because it was starring Sharon Stone, and then it you incidentally happened to have a supporting role, which was weird:
I’m really glad that I never said I’d eat Charlotte’s spaceship hat if I became excited for Sex and the City 2, because right about now I’d be trolling Paula Deen’s website in hopes of figuring out how to best deep fry that thing. New (and appealing!) Sex and the City 2 trailer, y’all:
Maybe the stick I’ve had up my ass about this movie has finally given me toxic shock, or perhaps my emotional age is getting to be as old as Samantha’s cooch and thus causing early onset dementia, but Sex and the City 2 doesn’t look half bad. I mean, it doesn’t look good in the way that the latter, more emotionally nuanced seasons ever were, but I’m willing to make peace with the fact that these movies will never recapture that feel, so I might as well quit my bitching and raise the pink flag to Michael Patrick King. Seriously, given that Carrie’s plotline is like Casablanca if Casablanca dropped the whole Nazi thing and was set in Abu Dhabi and written by a drag queen, I’m already sorta giddy. But then there’s this moment that made me go “Whaaat?“:
It’s important to note that you shouldn’t do drugs, but if you’re adamant about making bad life choices like Emily Meade is in Twelve, it is wise to at least to put yourself in a room that will make tripping balls a bit more like “Cycles” as directed by a gay man:
It’s also important to note that the trailer for Joel Schumacher’s adaptation of the Nick McDonell’s novel Twelve contains the following in no particular order: sex, drugs, spoiled white kids, foul language, violence, “Kids” by MGMT, Kiefer Sutherland’s velvet sex voice, Manhattan’s Upper East Side, 50 Cent being ridiculously jacked and leaving little to the imagination, Chace Crawford with facial scruff, and Ellen Barkin. Naturally, this begs two questions:
Twelve trailer, y’all:
