Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Monster Mouth Corner: Oops, I Sandra Lee’d a Shepherd’s Pie
April 26, 2011

So it’s finally happened:

Despite every crack I’ve made about Sandra Lee, I finally hopped on her crazy train and rode into the recipe world called Semi-Homemade. Yes, like some drunk sorority girl dancing atop the bar at an Alpha Delta Pi mixer, I decided last night that I would be try-curious. The only difference was that nobody would be taking me home afterwards for some sloppy on-top-of-the-clothes action followed by a barf in my trash can, but you know what? That’s the difference between food sluts and regular sluts, and I can be okay with that. (Slut Barbie knows what I’m talking about.)

It’s also worth noting that Sandra Lee’s semi-homemade dishes follow her “70/30″ philosophy (70% store-bought, 30% fresh), whereas my lazy ass couldn’t be bothered to use anything that hadn’t been sitting atop my cupboard (boxed mashed potato flakes) or in my freezer (a beef pot pie). Hell, even the cheese was pre-shredded, so I guess my shepherd’s pie merely qualifies as “barely homemade.” Whatever. The recipe’s simple, so I encourage you give it a look:

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Monster Mouth Corner: Eat a Donut Bacon Cheeseburger
March 29, 2010

Look, I’ve got nothing against all-natural produce, but we can’t always just eat an organic pear.  Sometimes we need something more.  Sometimes we need savory as well as sweet.  Sometimes we need throw caution to the wind and say, “Fuck it all: I’ll eat Cheerios and Lipitor the rest of this week if I must, but tonight I want to live!”  Sometimes, dear readers, we need to eat a donut bacon cheeseburger, which is precisely what I did this weekend.  Behold the epitome of gluttony and the pinnacle of modern culinary innovation, made by my own two hands:

donut bacon cheeseburger gloriousness

Now, having actually had the high-calorie, fatty food food equivalent of a gang bang, I can tell you the following things about the donut bacon cheeseburger with great certainty:

  1. Despite allegations otherwise, the donut bacon cheeseburger is not a sign of the apocalypse.  It is glorious.
  2. In fact, the donut bacon cheeseburger is so mind-blowingly scrumptious that I’d reckon this is the Harbinger of Deliciousness, a veritable Jesus Burger that has come from the heavens above to rid the world of size-zero pants and preach the gospel of elastic waistbands.
  3. My vision of Heaven is most likely the 9th circle of Hell for vegetarians.  In certain fundamentalist vegan Christian circles, I am now the front runner for the Antichrist.  I guess even the irresistible temptations of a donut bacon cheeseburger can’t win ‘em all.

The rest of my experience is a bit more of a blur, so at this point we have to pause so you can decide if you want to take the donut bacon cheeseburger pill or the boring pill.  How far down this culinary rabbit hole of batshit insanity and morbid obesity do you want to go?  Oh, who am I kidding?  Red pill it is!

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