I’ll admit that I was tempted to head this post with a screen grab from when one of the male cast mates projectile vomits. I don’t know, it just felt like it’s more attention grabbing, but this being the blog that it is, I decided to go with the screen grab where a catfight erupts in a club and results with a girl getting shoved to the floor. My sensibilities are nothing if not consistent.
ANYWAYS, here’s a sizzle reel for MTV’s abandoned reality series Bridge & Tunnel. It’s basically like Jersey Shore, except it’s Staten Island. And everybody appears to live either at home or in a hotel? I don’t know. What I do know is that I haven’t gotten the trash TVtrain wreck tingles this bad since I saw the original Jersey Shore promo. The language is a little raw, but who cares? This show looks completely amazing:
I never before realized that all it takes to sell me on a movie is music from Clint Mansell’s score for Moon (“Welcome to Lunar Industries”, I wanna say) and 10 seconds of Meryl Streep ACTING as a bitch even more evil and British than Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada (at least you knew Miranda Priestly liked the gays). Apparently, though, that’s all it takes to have me going full Jesse Spano with giddy anticipation.
Seriously, I haven’t been this excited for a movie since I flipped my shit over the trailer for Black Swan, which makes sense because they both have a lot in common. Both promise oodles of Oscar-baiting ladyACTING (which is my favorite), and both are basically horror movies:
Heads up, y’all. Big Brother 13 premieres tomorrow night, which means it’s entirely this blog could possibly devolve into incoherent, stream-of-conscious medley of Showgirls references and excessively homosexual chatter (which it already is), but now also peppered with all sorts of random asides to Rachel’s weave and hoping for the return of Zingbot. In short, this blog will make like a Talking Heads concert film and stop making sense, so consider yourself warned.
Anyways, if you’re uninitiated in Big Brother and would like a little insight into the impending insanity (or you’re my mother and will just want some vagues sense as to what the f*ck I’m babbling on about over the phone for the next few months), here are five reasons why I’m the most excited for the new season of Big Brother.
Seeing as it’s no secret over at this little corner of the interwebs that I love me some Harry Potter (interpret that as you will), I’ll spare you a voluminous amount of word vomit now that there’s a trailer for the concluding chapter of the film series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. Suffice it to say, I’m not ready for it to be over (obviously), and I don’t know how I feel about the whole 3-D thing (can you blame me?), but whatever! I’m still so excited! How excited? Keep-me-away-from-your-birthday-cake excited! What? This kid knows what I’m talking about:
When you think about how often I freak my freak out over Showgirls, you might’ve figured I’d have been flailing my fey little blog hands (like spirit fingers across the keyboard, if you will) on the daily when it came to the Cher and Xtina cinematic extravaganza, Burlesque. After all, any movie musical set in the world of burlesque theater starring Cher and Christina Aguilera could very well be the next Showgirls, and at the very least it’s sure to wrestle away the crown–or would it be wig?–for Gayest Movie Ever (sorry, Gang Bang Bottoms 17). If nothing else, it’s a testament to my unabashed faggotry that so many people shared the trailer with me as if I wasn’t all over it (thanks, you guys!!!). Believe me, ladyfriends, I was. It’s just that I ended up doing a bunch of this whenever I watched the trailer. But with a whole lot more rainbow confetti. You know, the usual homo things stuff.
ANYWAYS, Burlesque is out today, so obviously I’m excited (so excited!). More importantly, though, that means the reviews for Burlesque are out (so excited!), which means the critics consensus over at Rotten Tomatoes has spoken: Burlesque sits at rather bleak 32% over at Rotten Tomatoes (so scared!). Could my greatest fear–that Burlesque could be a Sex and the City 2 instead of a Showgirls–be true?!? Mais non, mes soeurs. I’ve gathered a few delectable quotes (with a dash of commentary) to give us hope that Burlesque could in fact be the Great Camp Hope for which we’ve all been waiting:
Take the poster for Black Swan for example. This poster alone is enough to send me into a hundred fits of gay vapors (or “gaypors,” if you’re in the know). Just look at this piping hot plate of Natalie Portman FACE:
OOH, IT BURNS! Seriously, though, this poster’s phenomenal. It’s gorgeous with a subtle air of creepy, and all of it demands that I get my ass to the theater as soon as possible to see this movie, which is sorta like how I feel whenever I watch the trailer. Except for the part where the trailer makes my head explode. If you’ve seen the trailer, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, change that poor life choice of yours IMMEDIATELY. Either way, let’s all give it a spin and discuss:
It’s been over a year since I last threw on my gay claws and tippity-typed up a frothing homo frenzy about Sucker Punch, Zack Snyder’s live action follow-up to Watchmen, and so much has happened since then, y’all. Carla Gugino helped unleash the candy-colored Kraken of camp that is Women in Trouble, and Zack Snyder made an animated family film about owls:
One of these makes me cackle because it’s fabulous, and the other makes me cackle because my brain cannot comprehend that it’s a thing that actually exists. You’re welcome to try and figure out which one’s which, but please, don’t strain yourself.
ANYWAYS, more important than any of that stuff tangentially related to my Sucker Punch anticipation is the fact that the teaser phase of marketing has finally kicked-off. This explains why we’ve now got six character-based teaser posters over at the film’s official website. There’s one for Emily Browning as Baby Doll:
And here she is in a video interview where she calls Betty Draper “evil,” casually refers to Elisabeth Moss as “Lizzie,” and also makes mention to the fact that’s she’s apparently going to throw a tantrum in the season premiere of Mad Men, which is news so exciting my head just exploded:
So in case you’ve been under some sad, sad rock where the gentle glow of quality television program does not shine, Mad Men‘s fourth season fast approaches, by which I mean why the f*ck isn’t it July 25th already? Seriously.
Anyways, should your sad, sad rock happened to be buried under a boulder where the interwebs dare not tread, you might not have heard about how AMC has a Mad Men avatar generator over at MadMenYourself.com as part of their online marketing campaign. Well, they do, and it’s brilliant, and now Mad Men Yourself has been updated in anticipation of the fourth season, so you know what that means: it’s time to Mad Men Yourself all over again! Everybody’s doing it, and by everybody, I mean me:
See, last season’s Mad Men Yourself me was all about sartorial simplicity (cardigans and ties) and shameless alcoholism (martinis…EVERYWHERE), but a new season of Mad Men demands a new Mad Men me (and you!), so I decided The Look for season 4 is all about “business pizazz!” (plaid jackets and briefcases) and “slightly more conspicuous alcoholic” (oh, Bloody Mary, the drink that’s never too early to drink and can always just be “tomato juice, but fancy” to your coworkers). My Look also says “Someone’s taken their love of Joan Holloway’s accordion playing one step too far,” but this isn’t a rip-off of a tagline for post-modern slasher, so let’s go see what sort of zany moments from Season Three your Mad Men Yourself you can get yourself into:
At a certain point, I stopped being excited for this train wreck to get back on the air and started being THE MOST excited for this train wreck to get back on the air. That moment was when Snooki went after Angelina like that bitch stole her pickle. Because that might be a metaphor about Vinnie’s sausage (hold the peppers), but it might not.
I mean, what can I say? I might be a sucker for this paragon of grace and beauty:
