If anyone can explain to me how in the world Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale movie could conceivably not be the best Christmas movie of all time, I’d love to sit through their Powerpoint presentation plumbing the depths of that argument, because I’m just not buying it. I mean, we all know I love me some batshit crazy, and this movie looks like it’s bringing the crazy like an extra-large stocking overstuffed with spades. How can we possibly lose? Oh, that’s right: WE CAN’T. And don’t take my obviously biased and ofttimes hyperbolic word for it. Do yourself a favor and bathe your eyeballs in the glorious insanity of the Rare Exports trailer:
Take the poster for Black Swan for example. This poster alone is enough to send me into a hundred fits of gay vapors (or “gaypors,” if you’re in the know). Just look at this piping hot plate of Natalie Portman FACE:
OOH, IT BURNS! Seriously, though, this poster’s phenomenal. It’s gorgeous with a subtle air of creepy, and all of it demands that I get my ass to the theater as soon as possible to see this movie, which is sorta like how I feel whenever I watch the trailer. Except for the part where the trailer makes my head explode. If you’ve seen the trailer, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, change that poor life choice of yours IMMEDIATELY. Either way, let’s all give it a spin and discuss:
It’s been over a year since I last threw on my gay claws and tippity-typed up a frothing homo frenzy about Sucker Punch, Zack Snyder’s live action follow-up to Watchmen, and so much has happened since then, y’all. Carla Gugino helped unleash the candy-colored Kraken of camp that is Women in Trouble, and Zack Snyder made an animated family film about owls:
One of these makes me cackle because it’s fabulous, and the other makes me cackle because my brain cannot comprehend that it’s a thing that actually exists. You’re welcome to try and figure out which one’s which, but please, don’t strain yourself.
ANYWAYS, more important than any of that stuff tangentially related to my Sucker Punch anticipation is the fact that the teaser phase of marketing has finally kicked-off. This explains why we’ve now got six character-based teaser posters over at the film’s official website. There’s one for Emily Browning as Baby Doll:
I mean, I could try and prattle on about the way the washed-out New York City backdrop recalls the striking minimalism of Mad Men‘s glorious opening credits, but I’m too distracted by Don Draper pensively staring out the window (which, like Don Draper doing absolutely anything, is sexual catnip) and the fact that the fourth season premiere is so close (JULY 25TH!), so let’s just leave it with the fact that this poster has my SQUEE!s of anticipation rapidly approaching SQUEE!CON 1 (Catastrophic Ear Bleeds Imminent).
Besides, I’m still mourning over the recent retirement of Amanda Bynes, actress extraordinaire. Now we’ll never find out what zany hijinks Daphne Reynolds gets herself into in What a Girl Wants 2: Bangers-and-Mash Boogaloo, so LET ME WEEP IN PEACE!
Oh, and in tangentially-related-to-this-poster Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner news, irresponsible recaps will most certainly be returning for the fourth season of Mad Men, so rejoice! Now in case you’re uninitiated and in need of knowing what sort of half-crazed, frequently camp beast you’re in for (or you’re just in the mood for a trip down a particularly batshit stretch of Mad Men memory lane), I’ve collected the entirety of the third season’s recaps (along with their corresponding episodes) after the jump:
You know, I really have to wonder what’s going on in the marketing department for Salt, because at certain point it stopped seeming like they understood what sort of movie they’re trying to advertise, and if that point wasn’t never, it’s most certainly this new poster from over at FilmoFilia:
I mean, yipes! I’m not sure if this poster is for an espionage thriller starring Angelina Jolie or a movie with the working title Action Wig: Cat-Eyed Meth Head and the Case of the Purloined Upper-Lip Plumper. Either way, DO NOT WANT.
Sure, I’m not saying that this is anywhere near as bad as Plastic-Faced She Beasts of the Glittery Gay Moon of Tatooine:
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is going to come out August 13th. Today is March 25th. That means Scott Pilgrim vs the World isn’t going to be in theaters for nearly five months. That is unacceptable because this teaser is amazing:
Ermm, I’m sorry, but in such instances of hot pink, European-movie-poster chic fabulousness, I’ve every reason to freak my freak out. This poster has already won the Silver in the 2010 HomOlympics (Gold and Lifetime Achievements went to Johnny Weir because le duh), so let’s not even talk about the plot summary. Wait, scratch that and channel some Jessica-Alba-in-Fantastic-Four annunciation: LET’S:
Showgirls: The Return may purport to be the sequel to the greatest movie of all time (because it adds “The Return” to the end of the title), but if the extended trailer’s any indication, that doesn’t mean I have to treat this half-cooked sauerbraten like its canon:
What have you done, Marc Vorlander? Sure, I haven’t seen this many boobs-per-minute since the last time I watched Showgirls (January 16, 2010, but who’s counting?), which I guess counts as a step in the right direction, but everything else about this trailer is a turgid art-house hot mess. A Showgirls sequel shouldn’t look boring, but this looks BORING. Even worse, I don’t see any Rena Riffel, and we were promised Rena Riffel! Seriously, universe, is there no Penny/hope for a Showgirls follow-up that lives up to the original?
Out of respect to the small yet loyal blog audience that regularly indulges my crazy, I’ve avoided incessantly rants about my increasingly impatient yearning for a new trailer for the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street. Why? Because even I’m aware of how much that would start to drag ass.
That said, ever since the teaser trailer showed up last fall and made me change my mind about this whole affair, I’ve been hungry for more, and now we’re two months from its release without any news of another trailer in sight, which means I’ve been a hot second away from turning tricks on the street corner for even a little Nightmare on Elm Street remake somethin’ somethin’.
Sure, this is basically the first teaser poster except now it’s all about Face whereas before it was about Glove, but you know what? I’ll take it. Desperate times call for desperate measures, y’all. Particularly when fishnets and hooker heels really aren’t your best look.
