Of course, it’s also worth noting I’m currently taking great comfort in Andrew Cuomo trouncing Carl Paladino and being elected Governor of New York. Carl Paladino is The Worst, and not only is Andrew Cuomo is not The Worst, you know what else? He’s dating Food Network persona Sandra Lee. Sanity has been restored, y’all, and on top of all that, I bet the governor’s mansion is long overdue for a semi-homemade makeover:
You know, the sort makeover that happens when ponies stop doing musicals and start doing interior decoration.
Now you might be thinking to yourself that this is a terrible idea, but let me tell you, America: NO, IT’S NOT. You might say tablescapes and cocktail time have no place in quote-unquote “serious politics,” but that’s suggesting we have to restore ALL the sanity. Can’t we save just one oh-so-delectable slice of batshit crazy and toss the rest of the insanity into the dumpster? I mean, have you seen what happens when she dresses up for her Halloween episodes, America? This happens:
And while this poster’s totally fine, I have my doubts about the plot summary from ComingSoon.net:
Ambitious young Manhattanite and urban conservationist Beth (Alexis Bledel) wants it all: a good job, good friends, and a good guy to share the city with. Of course that last one is often the trickiest of all. In the new romantic dramedy, Beth falls hard for Tommy (Scott Porter), a sexy, young Wall Street hot-shot. But just as everything seems to be falling into place, complications arise in the form of Tommy’s sensitive and handsome co-worker Daniel (Bryan Greenberg). Beth soon learns that the game of love in the big city is a lot like Wall Street – high risk, high reward and everybody has an angle.
Look, I’ve nothing against another movie about white peoples’ problems. Like any other white person, I know what it feels like when Trader Joe’s is out of your favorite flavor of organic yogurt (it feels TERRIBLE); and I’ve heard it’s totally a Sophie’s choice when two handsome, charming, successful guys are pursuing you. Seriously, other than by the size of their junk, how do you rationally decide?
That said, this a movie about white people with problems who are also making shit tons of money on Wall Street, and I refuse to quell my populist rage against the financial machine just because Alexis Bledel wants to play a love game. Unless you set those rich white people problems to swoony indie pop, in which case my easily manipulated imaginary ovaries are all over that shit.
Just in time for its summer hiatus! Fiddlesticks!!! Though I don’t really think I can better express my extreme frustration than this visual diagram:
See, like Blair’s inability to wait for Chuck to confess his love for her, such is my inability to wait for Gossip Girl to return next season. That’s just how good it was. Soooo good. Incapable-of-making-complete-sentences good, even, so let’s just abandon all hope of a cohesive recap and discuss the highlights of this fabulous return to glittery trash.
Firstly, there was the moment in this episode when for a hot second we’re all led to believe that Eric’s boyfriend was Gossip Girl, but then after the commercial break we’re told that he’s not; he just happened to hack into her file server, which gives him access to her texts (?). That barely makes sense, seems inspired by one of the bevy of internet-themed thrillers that came out in the mid-1990s when our minds were being blown by dial-up and AOL, and also gave me the “Whaaaa?”-face of the century. It may have only been a tease, but what a fantastic tease it was.
So after taking a pass at reviewing last week’s Gossip Girl on account of the fact that it would’ve pretty much consisted of nothing but different phrasings of “Georgina’s back” and lots of exclamation points (which is something I realize perhaps nobody else but me wants) I can attest that this week’s deserves at least a few words because–if nothing else–Eric has returned for 3 seconds! And he’s not schilling for Neutrogena as I’d speculated! Oh, and Georgina’s back, for realsies! YESSS!!!!
Though speaking of schills, poor Vanessa seems to officially be CW’s face of Dove products, which let’s not forget is the company that markets itself around ideas of natural beauty, aka the sort of beauty Gossip Girl has precisely no interest in acknowledging. I for one find Jessica Szohr to be really pretty, so color me shocked that the creators have dropper her but keep bringing out Rat-Nest-Raccoon-Face for the most random things (giving Rufus pep talks and distracting Lily so Rufus finish preparing his proposal dinner was yet another unsubtle nail in the we-haven’t-a-clue-what-to-do-with-you coffin).
And speaking of Lil’ J, couldn’t they’ve at least found a way to briefly reunite the hag with her fag? That could’ve been the moment where someone finally bitch-slap some style sense into her, but alas. Apparently Jenny’s fug, like the city in which she calls home, never sleeps.
Anyways, I’m digressing. Given how ridiculous last night’s episode was, it looks like everybody apparently took their crazy pills in the intermittent time between shows.
Seriously, y’all, I woke up this morning to my alarm pondering, “Why would I set my alarm so early for a Saturday morning?” Roh-no! All studies indicate that this is not the way to begin your Fridays; it’s like waking up with a major urge to just stay at home in your pajamas eating ice cream sandwiches and pickles and grilled cheese sandwiches because you just know it’s going to be your heavy-flow day, but you’ve got important meetings all day so you can’t call in sick. It’s a frowny-faced, sad panda sort of feeling, and trust me when I say this: New York City subway commutes are not going to turn that frown upside down.
FORTUNATELY, though, I’ve been abusing my favorite stimulant (coffee) like it’s going out of style, so I’m Lil’ Miss Perky Pollyanna right now, but in case anyone else needs a pick-me-up, I bring to you the already quite wonderful LCD Soundsystem ballad “New York, I Love You But You’re Bringing Me Down.” As performed by Kermit the Frog. It’s like “Rainbow Connection,” but totally better:
See, aren’t you feeling better already? James Murphy (the guy behind LCD Soundsystem–and the Kermit puppet) is the best. Now I won’t be tempted to make (as many) bitch faces on my ride back home.
