I haven’t the slightest context for any of this, but who cares? And more importantly: why in the world am I not watching Game of Thrones? Not only is Game of Thrones hard fantasy storytelling with crossover appeal, but it’s got Peter Dinklage bitch slapping the sass from some twink named Joffrey’s mouth. That doesn’t just say I should be watching; it screams it like a slut during last call at the d*ck buffet. Set my interest to STUNNED!
Much love to Buzzfeed for this one.
It’s been over a year since I last threw on my gay claws and tippity-typed up a frothing homo frenzy about Sucker Punch, Zack Snyder’s live action follow-up to Watchmen, and so much has happened since then, y’all. Carla Gugino helped unleash the candy-colored Kraken of camp that is Women in Trouble, and Zack Snyder made an animated family film about owls:
One of these makes me cackle because it’s fabulous, and the other makes me cackle because my brain cannot comprehend that it’s a thing that actually exists. You’re welcome to try and figure out which one’s which, but please, don’t strain yourself.
ANYWAYS, more important than any of that stuff tangentially related to my Sucker Punch anticipation is the fact that the teaser phase of marketing has finally kicked-off. This explains why we’ve now got six character-based teaser posters over at the film’s official website. There’s one for Emily Browning as Baby Doll:
One for Jamie Chung as Amber:
If you haven’t seen Inception, *SPOILER ALERT!* Marion Cotillard plays Mal, Cobb’s (Leonardo DiCaprio) wife and subconscious projection of his guilt over her untimely passing. Oh yeah, she’s also a totally badass bitch:
When she’s not trying to persuade Cobb to join her for all eternity in Limbo, she’s shooting and shanking people who get in her way. If you wanted to be a class bomb about it, you could say she makes it her business to f*ck your sh*t up, which is sorta like what the girl posting this Inception-inspired Craigslist casual encounter ad wants to one very special guy. It’s definitely not safe for work, but it will also break your brain more than Joseph Gordon Levitt’s zero-gravity fight scene, so of course you should check it out:
Action:
Reaction: Ermm, neat?
Don’t get me wrong: on a purely aesthetic level, “Alejandro” is a slick–if chilly–experience. Sure, previous videos have been more unabashed efforts in batshit insanity and/or delirious camp (two qualities I’ve long adored in Lady Gaga’s oeuvre), but I suppose some sort of restraint in those arenas is the price of artistic growth, so brava! I guess?
Added to that, I’m sure there’s a way interpret “Alejandro” as nearly nine minutes of back-up dancers in various states of fascist-themed fetish gear, Lady Gaga in various states of Catholicism-inspired dress/undress, machine gun bras, pageboy haircuts, and overtly gay imagery (you can’t call it homoerotic when it’s anything but subtle, Shot of Push-Ups That Look “Conspicuously” Like Butt Sex) that coalesce into some sort of treatise on Foucauldian power structures and queer revolution; unfortunately for me, I’ve recently been gorging on far too much pop culture garbage to fit into my size-28 pretentious pants and try waaay too hard to convince myself I’m anything other than strangely underwhelmed by “Alejandro.” It’s entirely serviceable, possibly even genius, but by no means blowing my mind.
And besides:
You know, I really have to wonder what’s going on in the marketing department for Salt, because at certain point it stopped seeming like they understood what sort of movie they’re trying to advertise, and if that point wasn’t never, it’s most certainly this new poster from over at FilmoFilia:
I mean, yipes! I’m not sure if this poster is for an espionage thriller starring Angelina Jolie or a movie with the working title Action Wig: Cat-Eyed Meth Head and the Case of the Purloined Upper-Lip Plumper. Either way, DO NOT WANT.
Sure, I’m not saying that this is anywhere near as bad as Plastic-Faced She Beasts of the Glittery Gay Moon of Tatooine:
UGH. I hate to make like a broken record, y’all, but for realsies:
I can already feel early onset withdrawal coming on, and boy is it bleak. It’s so bad that I’ve had to work extra hard on my shimmies to help balance out the shakes, and I’ve had to buy myself industrial strength spoons to make sure I don’t accidentally swallow my tongue in the process. Like I said, bleak.
Anyways, the one upside to being such a human train wreck is that it’s gotten me thinking about Lost fan videos, or–to be more specific–the lack of Lost fan videos. Seriously, the internet is a bastion for all of us nerds with too much time on our hands to obsess over things like Lost, or which image should come next in their YouTube Miley Cyrus fan video slide show. Sadly for me, I’m too technologically incompetent to know how to make or even upload a YouTube video. Hell, I can barely make a gif, and I have to write up all my blog posts on a typewriter and then have have a 15-year-old transcribe them into C++ (that’s how it works, right?), because the interwebs are for the young and I am OLD. My point is, I’ve come up with a list of Lost fan videos that I think should happen, and I think we, the internet, need to make them happen. For example:
Song: U2′s “No Line on the Horizon”
Why: U2′s ambient rock hymn to a “girl who’s like the sea” is transformed into one fan’s ode to the mysteries of the island itself. The lines “Time is irrelevant/It’s not linear” take on a whole new meaning that encapsulates the time-shifting experience Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse have crafted over the course of six seasons. On the down side, though, there’s no mention of narrative meandering, inexplicably dropped plot threads, or a last-act explanation of “Your questions lead to more questions, so here is a cave of golden light.”
I mean, I guess it’s great to be the couple of nerds that fall in love and decide that the best way to express your commitment to each other is by having the first wedding ever performed by a robot. People spend their whole lives hoping to make that sort of connection, even though that connection usually doesn’t involve bringing us closer to the day Skynet became self-aware, but you know what? These people found each other, and that’s a rare and wonderful thing, y’all:
On the other hand, we’re still talking about the Robot Apocalypse, which hasn’t yet stopped being the worst, which still means QUIT IT, JAPAN/NERDS.
