When you think about how often I freak my freak out over Showgirls, you might’ve figured I’d have been flailing my fey little blog hands (like spirit fingers across the keyboard, if you will) on the daily when it came to the Cher and Xtina cinematic extravaganza, Burlesque. After all, any movie musical set in the world of burlesque theater starring Cher and Christina Aguilera could very well be the next Showgirls, and at the very least it’s sure to wrestle away the crown–or would it be wig?–for Gayest Movie Ever (sorry, Gang Bang Bottoms 17). If nothing else, it’s a testament to my unabashed faggotry that so many people shared the trailer with me as if I wasn’t all over it (thanks, you guys!!!). Believe me, ladyfriends, I was. It’s just that I ended up doing a bunch of this whenever I watched the trailer. But with a whole lot more rainbow confetti. You know, the usual homo things stuff.
ANYWAYS, Burlesque is out today, so obviously I’m excited (so excited!). More importantly, though, that means the reviews for Burlesque are out (so excited!), which means the critics consensus over at Rotten Tomatoes has spoken: Burlesque sits at rather bleak 32% over at Rotten Tomatoes (so scared!). Could my greatest fear–that Burlesque could be a Sex and the City 2 instead of a Showgirls–be true?!? Mais non, mes soeurs. I’ve gathered a few delectable quotes (with a dash of commentary) to give us hope that Burlesque could in fact be the Great Camp Hope for which we’ve all been waiting:
It’s been over a year since I last threw on my gay claws and tippity-typed up a frothing homo frenzy about Sucker Punch, Zack Snyder’s live action follow-up to Watchmen, and so much has happened since then, y’all. Carla Gugino helped unleash the candy-colored Kraken of camp that is Women in Trouble, and Zack Snyder made an animated family film about owls:
One of these makes me cackle because it’s fabulous, and the other makes me cackle because my brain cannot comprehend that it’s a thing that actually exists. You’re welcome to try and figure out which one’s which, but please, don’t strain yourself.
ANYWAYS, more important than any of that stuff tangentially related to my Sucker Punch anticipation is the fact that the teaser phase of marketing has finally kicked-off. This explains why we’ve now got six character-based teaser posters over at the film’s official website. There’s one for Emily Browning as Baby Doll:
Get it? Hed-ing? In a story about Hedwig and the Angry Inch? It’s a pun, A PUN! Carrie Sadshaw would be so proud! And I probably should have switched to decaf before writing about this glorious news! Seriously, it’s hard to type when your eyeballs won’t stop vibrating on account of those few too many cups of coffee and and the rush of adrenaline brought about by PURE EXCITEMENT, but I digress.
In related news brought to you first by me, thousands upon thousands of gay men and fag hags the world over are making this face right now. Understandably so, theater queens and the ladies who love them, but let’s all simmer down. There’s more to the Post‘s story, and this part is particularly intriguing:
As an actor, it is a mirror. The most difficult question you may have to answer yourself is: ‘what am I for?’ RoboThespian™ demonstrates that utility is not a prerequisite for existence, a concept familiar to the artist but alien to the engineer. ‘Necessity is the mother of invention’, a received wisdom, but necessity is not the mother of this invention, I doubt they are even related at all.
This is very true, inventors of a thing that most definitely should not exist. I’m pretty sure a particularly embittering failed bid at Broadway stardom (aka, too many double shifts at the Times Square Red Lobster without a single call back for that chorus line spot in Carnival Cruise’s production of Seussical) and an unintentional death wish for the human race are the mother of your invention. For realsies, nothing else explains the waking nightmare that is witnessing this…this thing in action:
All 5 seasons will be included, along with both movies. Extras will include the Pilot – Sealed With a Kick, a Mystik Spiral Music Video “Freakin’ Friends”, Daria Day Intros, a Top Ten Video Countdown Hosted by Daria & Jane, Cast & Crew Interviews, and a Never Before-Seen Mystik Sprial spin-off script.
YES.
Never mind that no price was given. I would give my first-born fake baby to have Daria on DVD, or at the very least an IOU for a real one. Oh hell, who am I kidding? It’s $50.99 over at Amazon.com, which is a bargain when it comes to nostalgia-fueled impulse buys.
It obviously goes without saying that this is my confirm-order face:
I’m not saying that a video of two people in life-size My Little Pony costumes performing show tunes isn’t a metaphor for my childhood:
I’m just saying that a medley of selections from Tchaikovsky’s The Nutcracker and Genesis’s Invisible Touch as performed by Dino Riders and a Barbie doll whilst I prance around the stage on my mom’s old long-handed duster and hum the Wicked Witch of the West’s theme song would be far more on the nose.
And Wagnerian. At least in terms of freakish absurdity.
Naturally much love to Videogum and Dlisted. Teamwork makes the dream work.
Mon dieu, y’all! Did you hear the news today about Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, the Spider-Man musical that was to be directed by Julie Taymor and has songs written by Bono and the Edge? It’s simply terrible:
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Not an indefinite hiatus! Damn you, recession! You’re ruining EVERYTHING.
Last week, production crews at both the Hilton Theatre and the scene shop where the show was being built were put on “hiatus” because the producers ran out of money. Assistants in the scene shop “ran to the bank to cash their checks because they weren’t sure they’d clear,” a source says.
Now comes word that the actors have been released from their contracts, with no incentive (i.e., money) to hang around waiting for the production to get back on track.
While I’m rather certain Shmarker will be deeply disappointed by this news, I personally can’t say that I’m that sad. Or even surprised.
I debated about writing anything in regards to Michael Jackson’s untimely passing. There are bigger fans who can better articulate how much he mattered to music and pop culture as a whole. When you realize you’re best equipped to discuss his slow descent from King of Pop to the Grand Poobah of Eccentric Celebrity Curios–the Howard Hughes of music, if you will–you kinda realize it’s quite not your place to chime in during a time of mourning. I mean, do you really want to look like this asshole? Hell no. Besides, I will always appreciate the fact that I get to share my name with his 1972 ballad devoted to a rat. Top that, people named Jude.
Anyways, I’ll simply pay my respects with one of my favorite moments in Michael Jackson’s career:
That’s right, Captain EO, the 1986 sci-fi/musical 3-D short film staring Michael Jackson and Anjelica Huston (who scared the living hell out of me when I first saw it). It’s rather ridiculous in and of itself (small wonder I love it so), but knowing that it was directed by Francis Ford Coppola and co-written by George Lucas make it pretty profoundly wonderful. There may be greater moments to highlight in his career, but I’ll never forget my parents taking me to see Captain EO at age three when we visited Disney World. It’s that sort of unforgettable impact that is the real testament to this man’s work. It’s part Star Wars, an ample aesthetic splash of Ridley Scott’s Alien, and all Michael Jackson magic. After the jump, in its YouTube entirety, I give you the 80s nostalgia-bomb that is Captain EO:
Yeesh. Certain people, who shall remain nameless but might have names that rhyme with Shmarker and Shmathan (just saying, and also, love you guys!), have been all up in my grill about Glee. It’s nothing but “Why don’t you blog about Glee?” this and “I hate your face ’til you blog about Glee!” that. So fine, here we go:
Seriously, was there ever any question? I think not. If anything, my only complaint is that we’re all forced to wait until this fall for more Glee. That’s ass and a half, y’all; fortunately, despite Fox clearly conducting an experiment in patience amongst the nation’s gays (and their fag hags), Glee is anything but ass and a half.
Maybe it’s hyperbole, but Glee‘s the most inspired television show in quite some time. The underdog-competitor-meets-Busby-Berkeley-musical vibe is infinitely charming blend of camp and heartfelt sincerity, and any show that can bring together both the eternally adorable Jayma Mays and eternally fierce Jessalyn Gilsig clearly knows a thing or two about casting. And let’s not forget that Glee gave us the single greatest rendition of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” ever made EVER:
I recognize that, in the era of YouTube clips, what probably made sense in a particular time to a particular group of people is reintroduced to the world in a contextual vacuum. Without meaning, these videos become a veritable playground for camp, a place where the indecipherable message is the first language of ironic detachment and surface aesthetics the currency of visual pleasure. As such, perhaps I’m inherently biased towards this Fellini-meets-Lady-Gaga pinnacle of unadulterated, uninhibited batshit insanity. Whatever.
None of that changes the fact that Sara Carlson is not merely fierce; she’s full on ferocious. Also, we can all agree that the only thing that could make this video better is if she looked like a tranny streetwalker who styled herself a member of Jem and the Holograms. Fortunately for us, such a video exists:
