MonaVie Releases New Crack Drink! August 17, 2009

Greetings from Shmarker!  It’s been awhile, fellow followers of all feats fagulous, since my last post.  I’m sorry for such a long delay (though I know I don’t have quite the following my fellow NPBiaH posters have), but I must blame my studies for such.  No, seriously. I had to sprint a session of marathon reading in order to finish Gravity’s Rainbow by my self-imposed deadline for my directed reading, followed by a fantastic trip to Washington, DC, where I took pictures in front of rockets (see, that was educational as well!) when not drinking at Brickskeller, house of 1,000 beers, followed by a brief visit with Mrs. Dalloway, who insisted on buying the flowers herself (that’s what servants are for!), then a pit stop for Three Cups of Tea with Greg Mortensen (a somewhat delightful read, but I’ll let you know more after I attend a speech he is giving my school and place of employment on Sunday), only to begin my whale watching expedition to locate Moby Dick.  So, yes, I’m a tad stressed.

And, apparently, the Diet Coke of nerd, as Shmathan so nicely called me in a comment on my last post.

But anyway, in an attempt to procrastinate on my reading, I felt compelled to tell you about the most amazing product out there: MonaVie’s energy drink.

Isn’t that gorgeous looking?  And, if you look closely enough, it’s HEALTHY, too!  I mean, 170 calories in 8.4 ounces!  But, it’s made of Brazilian super fruits, and every Brazilian I’ve seen is super skinny, so it must be healthy!  Delicious, too.  It tastes like a drink my bar makes, which uses regular MonaVie and is marketed as “the world’s healthiest cocktail.”  I like to fashion myself as a connoisseur of energy drinks, as I usually consume at least three or free sugar free Red Bulls, Monsters, Rockstars, or Venoms a week.  A neighbor who sells the stuff brought these MonaVies to me.  It has replaced all other energy drinks as my favorite.  It is Just. Plain. Amazing.  As I live only a two-minute walk away from a movie theatre, I drank one before seeing Julie and Julia last night, and this is where my diatribe about the wonders of this drink really kicks off.

Oh Noes! I’ve Got a Bad Case of the Pre-Half-Blood Prince Jitters! July 14, 2009

(It’s okay; it’s not lethal.  The one symptom to look out for, however, is prolific blog writing and subsequent abuse of your best friend’s offer to guest write for his blog.  That can be deadly!)

Hello fellow Hornerites! Welcome to my first guest column for “NPBiaH.”  I’m Parker, and I could tell you a bit about myself, but I’d rather just jump right into the proverbial fire.

In the summer of 2005, when George Lucas was wrapping up his Star Wars hot mess and four teen girls were sharing a pair of pants on the big screen, the biggest blockbuster was not in theatres across the country but rather in bookshops across the world.  No, this is not hyperbole.  This was, at the time, the largest release of a book, ever, brought to the world courtesy of one J.K. Rowling.  The penultimate book in her Harry Potter series benefited from a six-month pre-release hype, with bookstores promising to remain open until after midnight so that they could meet fans’ demand of devouring the book before anyone could possibly spoil it.  The enigmatic title (Who, or what, is the Half-Blood Prince?  What will this mean for Harry?) met speculation, along with the perennial unanswered questions that run throughout the book (Will Hermione finally snog Ron?  Will there be more Quidditch?  When will the final battle occur?  Will there be another large death in this book?  From, you know, an actual MAIN character this time?  Will Hedwig remain my favorite character, despite my hatred of birds?  Will Oliver Wood finally pop off the page and profess his love for me?).  From this point on in my review, put on your SPOILER glasses (AKA, don’t read anything after the jump if you have not read Half Blood Prince!)

Let’s All Guess Esther’s Secret March 19, 2009

While I was perusing the interweb this afternoon, I stumbled upon the trailer for an upcoming horror movie called Orphan.  It stars Peter Sarsgaard (yum) and Fiona Apple Vera Farmiga (who incidentally was also Joshua, another evil kid movie), and it looks like a riot.  I mean, this is the trailer:

Roh-no!  There’s something wrong with Esther, a secret that you’ll NEVER GUESS.  If that’s a challenge, then I accept, trailer.  Let’s all take a guess at what Esther’s secret is (be sure to leave yours in the comments section).  I’ll go first.  I think Esther’s possibly:

1. A vampire.  That choker on her neck has me totally suspicious.
2. The antichrist.  They never have birth records and are pure, unmitigated evil.  Just go watch The Omen (not the remake, the original, le duh).  
3. An Eastern European demon/ghost/monster disguised as a girl.  Seriously, her accent is ridiculous.
4. A robot girl that got switched to “Kill” mode.  

This movie may look like an uninspired rip-off of every Bad Seed-esque movie ever made, but I really want to see it now.  I have to know her secret.  That tag line is like a cruel taunt.  At least there’s plenty of juicy moments of hysteria (everybody is just freaking out in this movie!  EVERYBODY!) and evil kid cliches to keep the camp factor at (the very least) a solid 7.5.  Excellent.

Also, I think we can all agree: that one girl totally had that shove from the playground coming.  Jokes that are that cliched are inappropriate at any age.

UPDATE (7/8/09): Esther’s secret seems to have spoiled its way onto the internet.  Thoughts on its validity can be found here; the alleged twist in its its original comment form can be found here.

Funny People Is the Least Plausible Comedy. Ever. March 19, 2009

Lots of people like to get all cranky about Judd Apatow’s movies because the formula is pretty standard.  They’re all unrealistic male fantasies in which men always get women way out of their league by emphasizing the importance of personality over looks while simultaneously not adhering to that same standard with its female characters.  Fair enough, but I’ve frankly found the Apatow leads to be an attractive crew.  Seth Rogen’s good looking, and Jason Segal’s flat out attractive.  Throw in their sharp sense of humor, and I’m sold.  Added to that, I can’t call shenanigans on the gender politics of a group of movies that still cares to actually respect its women by making them characters as opposed to caricatures. 

But I must call shenanigans on Funny People:

This movie is so far from being grounded in reality that it’s entered the far reaches of outer space.  In what world would any sane person leave Eric Bana, particularly when it’s Eric Bana that’s also smart enough to be FLUENT IN CHINESE?  That the chief issue in an otherwise perfect is his going to a massage parlor, possibly to be finished with a “happy ending,” and that’s enough to drive you into the arms of ADAM SANDLER???  

Shenanigans, y’all.

I’ll admit that I’m not a huge Adam Sandler fan, whereas I’d gladly watch Eric Bana make sandwiches for two hours.  Preferably shirtless.  So perhaps I’m a bit biased.  But seriously:

I Just Don’t Know What to Make of Away We Go March 18, 2009

While Kate Winslet was out and about winning every possible acting award known to man, poor Sam Mendes was not winning any; he was, however, apparently being quite the busy body.  His new movie, Away We Go, hits this theaters this summer.  If a trailer can give you a disease, though, this one’s giving me a serious case of the whatevers:

This movie really looks to be beyond vanilla in its blandness.  It’s like ice cream without sugar or any flavoring.   Just cold, whipped, skim milk.  I just cannot form an opinion on something with so little flavor or texture.

I mean, I love Allison Janney in everything (she really is the best), and Maggie Gyllenhaal’s hippie-mom line about her stance against strollers is pretty great.  Added to that, Chris Messina is in the movie.  He played Lauren Ambrose’s  dreamy boyfriend in Six Feet Under and Rebecca Hall’s dreamy fiancee in Vicky Cristina Barcelona.  In short, he’s kinda dreamy.  But, in spite of these factors, the best that strums up in me is shoulder-shrug and a mental note to add it to my Netflix queue when it comes out on dvd.  

I think my big hesitation is that, even from this trailer, you can tell that Sam Mendes’s style doesn’t seem to be gelling with the assault-by-quirk script by Dave Eggers and Vendela Vida.  This just looks like Mendes is doing a Fox Searchlight movie, one of the unending stream of quasi-indie movies marketed as safe for mass consumption (Garden State, Little Miss Sunshine, Juno, etc.).  

Added to that, I couldn’t be less of the target audience for this narrative journey if I tried.  I’m not of the age to where this movie would feel like my life right now, nor am I old enough to be able to view it as a sentimental piece of nostalgia through which I can remember what my life was like back then.  I prefer to let the anxieties of each stage in my life arrive on time; I don’t need a head-start on the worry race.

Plus, there are an alarming number of shots in that trailer involving people EUPHORICALLY EMBRACING LIFE (IN STROLLERS!  SINGING IN CARS!).  I don’t trust that.  Not at all.

So, yeah.  The trailer for Away We Go, y’all.  

Whatever.

Against All Odds, I Think I Might Tolerate a West Side Story Remake March 18, 2009

There’s no denying that this little lady is pretty damn near flawless:

So, when you’re dealing with such perfection, of course somebody has to go screw it up.  It’s a Hollywood rule.  Thankfully, the closest West Side Story is to a remake green light is a Broadway revival and this Vanity Fair photo spread.  Looks like we’re safe.  For today.

Still, that Vanity Fair spread does raise the specter of a possibility, and–as much as it startles me to admit to it–I wouldn’t be completely opposed.  

When Life Gives You Last Night’s Gossip Girl, Make Dancing-Lady-ade March 17, 2009

To wash the bile-tastic taste of last night’s Gossip Girl, my friend Brynn and I decided to turn to someone we knew we can always trust to entertain and delight, even in our darkest of ours.  That special someone is Joan Crawford, and last night, she was our Dancing Lady.  

We watched the ending because I’d completely passed out the previous time we attempted to watch it late one night (a belly full of pot roast and a few Joan Crawfords will do that to you, so don’t judge me!).

Dancing Lady is a 1933 musical starring Joan Crawford and Clark Gable (who, by the by, is ridicu-handsome in his youth).  I’d bother and try to explain the plot, but the plot is paper-thin, and Dancing Lady is really just an excuse to let the sparks fly between Crawford and Gable (their scene at the gym is a hysterical and sexy in the same breath) while uber-producer of the era, David O. Selznick, tries his best to recreate the magic of the Busby Berkeley musicals.  Oh, and the Three Stooges are in it.  And Fred Astaire makes his screen debut in it.  Here’s just a taste of the singing, dancing madness:

They dance on a magic carpet before landing in Bavaria to sing the joys of German beer?  It’s both obvious and logical to ask, “What in the hell?”, but I prefer to simply ask, “Why the hell not?”  Trust me, it’ll ease you into the total explosion of insanity that is the finale:

Looks Like BAM’s Giving us a Danish Delight March 16, 2009

No, not the pastry, though that’d be perfectly acceptable as well.  They’re doing a retrospective on Danish filmmaker Carl Theodor Dreyer, so they’re feeding our minds instead of our tummies.  Pastries would certainly make this retrospective complete, but still, let’s get excited!  There’s live piano accompaniment for the silent films (!), a movie about homo things (!!!), and Vampyr (squeee!!!).

Vampyr can’t really be described as a movie in the traditional sense; it’s more like a 75-minute version of the video from The Ring.  Or a really bad, Gothic-themed shroom trip in black and white.  Trust me, those are compliments.  Here’s a clip to illustrate what I’m talking about:

Amazing.  I recognize this’ll probably come off as the most ludicrous statement of the day as it lands somewhere between being totally nerdy and totally pretentious, and YouTube is a poor substitute for seeing a movie on the big screen (or even on DVD), but how Dreyer moves his camera through space is really something else.  And that something else is totally brilliant.

There’s absolutely no excuse to not get yourself to BAM at some point for at least one of the screenings, unless you’re not in NYC.  Or you have a deathly allergy to good things.  Then it’s acceptable.  Otherwise, go to a bakery, buy some danishes, and get your butt over to BAM.  You can make it a Danish-and-Danish-Film Extravaganza.  

Now wouldn’t that just be delicious?

Sweet Mercy, I’m Beyond Excited for Drag Me to Hell March 13, 2009

I essentially know Sam Raimi, as a director, by his Spider-Man movies.  The first is a delightful pop experience.  The second is, behind The Dark Knight, probably the best comic book movie we’ve ever gotten.  The third is a genre-bending hot mess, a movie as intriguing as it is muddled.  I regretfully fell asleep the one time I tried to watch The Evil Dead (in my defense, it was very late when I started the movie), but what little I saw did manage to sufficiently freak me out, so there’s actually no regret as I avoided giving my subconscious further nightmare fodder. 

But I’m also a masochist who enjoys making bad decisions, so color me giddy to see the trailer for Raimi’s return to horror, Drag Me to Hell:

I’m flabbergasted at how utterly incredible this movie looks.  Obviously Sam Raimi is just going for it, and I suspect, when all is said and done, American horror will (briefly) be the better for it.

Normally, when a trailer makes some bold proclamation like “THE RETURN OF TRUE HORROR” or “VISIONARY DIRECTOR OF 300,” you chalk this up to the studios just trying to sell their product.  With lies.  Standard issue Hollywood protocol, really.

But I don’t think Universal is obeying that time-honored advertising protocol.  I think they may be telling the truth.  Zoinks!

Perhaps this is just the shock of seeing a horror movie that not a remake of an American horror movie, a remake of an Asian movie, derivative of either subset of the genre, or part of the Saw franchise.  Sure, there’s a touch of Thinner with the gypsy-curse plot, but at least this movie doesn’t look to reek like a stale, uninspired fart.  

Added to that, it’s rather brilliant counter-programming for the summer release schedule.  Here’s a movie that doesn’t involve robots in a post-apocalyptic future, robots that transform, or boy wizards.  Instead we get seances and Alison Lohman being tossed around her kitchen like a rag doll.  

And one creepy looking gypsy. 

Sign me up, please.

The Haunting in Connecticut Can’t Hit Theaters Soon Enough March 12, 2009

Some time ago at work, I stumbled upon the trailer The Haunting in Connecticut:

That shower curtain just tried to eat her!  That’s ridiculous!  And fabulous!

Admittedly, the movie looks kinda derivative, but I’m not about to start complaining.  Everything from the The Exorcist  to Kubrick’s The Shining appears to be crammed into this movie like a Thanksgiving turkey.  I should be worried that the movie will play out like a greatest hits of supernatural horror, but instead I just can’t to see it.  On opening weekend.  It doesn’t hurt that they’ve cast the sexy beast that is Elias Koteas as a preacher, and I’ve always had a soft-spot for haunted house movies, but I’m mostly excited for one reason: