You know, I really have to wonder what’s going on in the marketing department for Salt, because at certain point it stopped seeming like they understood what sort of movie they’re trying to advertise, and if that point wasn’t never, it’s most certainly this new poster from over at FilmoFilia:
I mean, yipes! I’m not sure if this poster is for an espionage thriller starring Angelina Jolie or a movie with the working title Action Wig: Cat-Eyed Meth Head and the Case of the Purloined Upper-Lip Plumper. Either way, DO NOT WANT.
Sure, I’m not saying that this is anywhere near as bad as Plastic-Faced She Beasts of the Glittery Gay Moon of Tatooine:
I’m not telling you a damn thing about this video other than it’s branded its nightmarish imagery of melted-faced hell spawn deep in my brain, and I’m not about to suffer this one alone:
GAAAAAAH!
I don’t know what this video is for, but I can definitely tell you I don’t want it, and I will do absolutely everything in my power to make sure I don’t get it. Music lessons? Whoops, I just cut off all my fingers! Funk bands? I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the scalding pokers in my ears! World Peace? It’s like Miranda July said:
Lionsgate is developing a remake of the 1987 classic “Dirty Dancing,” from a new script by Julia Dahl.
Of course, there’s a logical and immediate reaction to this bad idea to end all other bad ideas:
As is, this is already pretty much the most abysmal idea I’ve ever heard, and that’s not even considering about how I’m possibly biased because one of the movie’s most famous lines is directly responsible for this blog’s name. I’m most certainly am biased, yes, but there’s also no denying that Dirty Dancing is one of the iconic pop masterpiece of the 1980s. You really can’t top Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey dancing to “Time of My Life,” so why the hell bother trying?
Also, the Dirty Dancing remake is being scripted by the woman responsible for this:
Seth McFarlane wants his show Family Guy to win an Emmy, y’all. He wants it so badly, in fact, that he’s made a YouTube channel where he’s recycled a scene from an old episode, thrown in some poorly written new dialogue, and decided that this in fact qualifies as some sort of clever, viral campaigning. Viral? Likely. Clever? Hardly.
Barf bags ready? Then behold:
Oh man, he’s right. Nothing says “Give Me an Emmy” like extended sequences of violence and casual racism. I guess this makes Seth McFarlane the love child of the Saw franchise and D.W. Griffith. Awesome. Pop open the bubbly ‘cos it’s Emmys all around.
Yesterday, Laura reminded me that MGM is planning to remake Tobe Hooper’s (or, if you believe the rumors, Steven Speilberg’s) 1982 masterpiece, Poltergeist. We all know how I feel about that:
The Poltergeist remake is the sort of thing that I’ve been desperately trying to forget for the past several years, and I had remained quite hopeful that it would remain nothing more than baseless chatter and drafts of scripts that would ultimately languish in development for all eternity. This isn’t optimism so much as flat out denial, but I get a feeling I can’t play ostrich much longer, y’all.
As there’s no word yet from Variety, I haven’t yet been forced to slam my head against my desk in disbelief that it’s any closer to actually existing. ShockTillYouDrop.com claims that the Poltergeist remakes set to come out on Thanksgiving of 2010, and that’s more than enough for me to start bracing for impending cinematic doom. To borrow one of Shmathan’s favorite interweb meme phrases: It’s going to be a catastrophe!
Logic dictates that, for a product to exist, there must be a demand. It’s for this reason that products like the Wearable Towel or the Comfort Wipe; they may be incredibly stupid and theoretically useless, but you know that someone somewhere actually saw these products as the solution to a problem. Necessity is, after all, the mother of invention.
That said, I’m quite aware this Taylor Lautner New Moon action figure clearly has a theoretical demand. It comes from people called Twihards, and they will consume anything and everything related to Stephenie Meyer’s ridicu-succesful Twilight franchise. I may not be part of that fan base, and I imagine my only enjoyment (if any, really) of the franchise would be ironic, but I’m not going to trash the fans of Twilight because we’re all allowed our own opinions and taste. No matter how ridiculous they are.
In spite of all of this, Twihards, you really need to calm it because we now have a thing that should not exist:
Traditionally, teaser posters that come out nearly an entire year before their film’s release try to do what their name would imply, which is, you know, TEASE. For example, that fabulous teaser poster for Cloverfield:
They don’t even give you a title, that’s how much they want to intrigue you with the delicious mysteriousness of it all. And you know what? As teaser posters go, that one teased me all the way into the movie theater! Great job, J.J. Abrams and company. Your posters never fail to work me into a frothing nerd frenzy. I suppose it’s just my cross to bear.
Anyways, there’s a teaser poster now on the internet for next May’s Prince of Persia:The Sands of Time. I know, I know, it’s TEN WHOLE MONTHS ’til it comes out, but I had to share it because it’s already tantalizing me with the prospect of avoiding the hell out of it:
Sometimes I editorialize images I find on the internet with pithy comments in pink letters. But sometimes there’s an image that speaks entirely for itself. Such is the case of the final poster for The Ugly Truth, which I spotted on the streets while walking to the bank this afternoon:
Yes, ladies and gents, it speaks for itself, and it says, “UGH.” Even though this is essentially the same thing as the teaser poster (but now with actors),it’s still an embarrassment to anyone with a brain. Or genitals.
Women love love, so Katherine Heigl’s holding her heart as an object unto itself. And men love sex, so Gerard Butler’s holding his heart over his business while he lustily smirks at Katherine Heigl. The lesson? Men love you to take a ride on their discostick, so do it now in order to make them like you, ladies. Don’t worry that this probably means they’re emotionally unavailable Neanderthal man-children; just give them a trip down your tunnel of love, and the sparks will be flying!
Look, I fully understand that movies like The Ugly Truth are intended to be light-hearted comedies that deliberately embrace tired gender stereotypes as opposed to having the creativity or intelligence required in saying something innovative about how men and women emotionally and romantically connect, but this Gender Wars 101 bullshit is the dead horse that’s been so thoroughly beaten that all you’ve got in front of you is a bucket of glue. Never mind the trailer; this poster is so boring I damn near had a narcoleptic fit on Sixth Avenue.
More importantly, though, is how incredibly misogynistic these reductive gender politics are.
Don’t get me wrong, I get that it’s been long understood that sex sells. But since when did we try to market a product off of anal sex jokes? ”The a-hole tastes funny”? Really? Yes, I would suspect that it would taste rather funny, but I also don’t think that anybody’s fish taco is tasting magically delicious, so this is just DUMB; unfortunately, it’s so much worse as well.
Academy President Sid Ganis provided the following rationalization for the change:
“Having 10 best picture nominees is going [to] allow academy voters to recognize and include some of the fantastic movies that often show up in the other Oscar categories, but have been squeezed out of the race for the top prize…I can’t wait to see what that list of ten looks like when the nominees are announced in February.”
Well I’m so glad that at least one person’s quivering in antici…pation. I’ll get around to it once I’ve made room for this profoundly stupid idea on my already overly crowded Do Not Want List.
What’s most frustrating about this announcement (and believe me, I could write a essay the length of Ulysses on everything that’s wrong about it) is that the Academy Awards will still remain the same tired bullshit that they’ve been for years. You’re not going to shorten the three-plus hours of masturbatory self-congratulation and inconsequential montage sequences by adding five more damn best-picture nominee montages. We still won’t know more than two of the foreign films nominated, and the short subject nominees will still be the crapshoot in your Oscar pool. And that’s just the show itself!
