Sure, we’ve all at some point wanted to read an article about ladies who spell “I Heart Ryan Gosling” with a silent ”vagina,” but I don’t know if this intrepid reporter’s going to get anywhere using a Craigslist post. Ryan Gosling is the internet’s #1 crush, and besides, everybody knows Craigslist is for rim jobs, Inception style.
Good Luck With That One…
April 4, 2012
TGIF! Now Let’s All Go Make Plans to See The Back-Up Plan
April 23, 2010
What an absurd question, Movieline. That answer is self-evident, as self-evident as the accompanying video clip is most obviously fantasy porn for neurotic single women of a certain age, frustrated housewives, and me:
At Last! Lost News That Won’t Make You Immediately Pluck Out Your Eyes in Regret for Reading It
February 4, 2010
One of the things that’s the worst about being a fan of Lost (aside from rendering you absolutely insufferable to all your non-fan friends and family for months at a time) is how you have to remain so guarded against any potential surprises. One minute you’re perusing your favorite Lost comment board in hopes of corroborating your theory about how Hurley’s burp in that one scene could be an allusion to 15th-century Franciscan scripture, and the next moment your eyes are gushing blood because someone posted an unmarked spoiler. Like I said, the worst.
Anyways, fortunately this is not one of this instances. Well, unless your definition of a spoiler is whose abs you’ll be seeing this season, in which case ABS ALERT, ‘cos it’s Lost‘s sexiest Other, Richard Alpert:
Yes, Richard Alpert (played by Nestor Carbonell)–the mysterious Other who has mysteriously resisted aging over the past three seasons and numerous decades of Lost‘s narrative–might soon abandon his shirt like his name is Jack Sawyer. This is obviously a good thing, and you can thank Star Trek 2 casting rumors and the inquisitive minds at Movieline for this glorious news:
I think the question, Nestor, is whether you have the pecs to play Khan.
[Laughs] Listen, all modesty aside, I’m pretty shredded right now. Richard may not get to flex his muscles, but he’s not averse to taking off his shirt. Should it happen, the fans will know.
Wait, spoiler alert! We’re getting a shirtless Richard scene soon?
I can neither confirm nor deny. [Laughs]
“I can neither confirm nor deny” might as well be Lost speak for “DUH” at this point, so JACKPOT!
Of course, I could explain why this is a good thing, or I could simply offer the jury indisputable evidence, so I’ll choose the latter.
Your honor, exhibit A:
When It Comes to New Moon, I’m Decidedly Team This Guy
November 20, 2009
Well, New Moon is out today, and a great schism has erupted all over the interwebs:
This is an important discussion to have because you’re choosing between a wang that’s pale and ice cold and a wang that’s underage and could spontaneously sprout hair. Hrmmm, DECISIONS.
Anyways, I’ve personally arrived at the conclusion that I’m neither Team Edward nor Team Jacob. It’s not that I’m deliberately trying to be a finicky bitch by not answering the most important question of the new millenium, it’s just that someone else has taken my Twibreath away:
Leap Year Knows the Secret to My Heart/Fake Ovaries
November 16, 2009
Oh, dammit! Amy Adams’s undeniably perky charm and Matthew Goode’s dreamboatalicious combination of scruff and blue eyes, WHY MUST YOU EXPLOIT ME SO?!?
Even in poster format, me and my inner teenage girl don’t stand a chance to your magnetic appeal. Even in poster form, I can see Leap Year for exactly the sort of rote, cliched romantic comedy filled with the same easy jokes and formulaic twists years and years and years of movies just like you have supplied eager audiences like me. You may be entirely lacking the holy screwball trinity of Katherine Hepburn, Cary Grant, and a leopard named Baby; but I’m pretty certain that you and me and a pint of Häagen-Dazs vanilla swiss almond would make a perfectly suitable trifecta on a Saturday night.
And your trailer, Leap Year? I’ve got freakin’ second sight with this:
Just A Few Reasons to Have the Most Vapors Over A Single Man
October 16, 2009
I’m not quite sure why I never got around to dropping this trailer hotness until now. The trailer itself has been floating about the internet for about a month, and the film’s been getting some early Oscar buzz since its premiere at the Toronto Film Festival. Also, this trailer’s pretty much all of my favorite things ever ever. Anyways, here’s the trailer for A Single Man:
I may know next to nada about Tom Ford’s career in the fashion world, but I do know that man gives me the vapors in a serious way:
As such, I’m pretty certain that him adapting a Christopher Isherwood isn’t going to help 2009′s cause célèbre, Stop the Vapors. He’s amassed Julianne Moore and Colin Firth and Matthew Goode and fabulous production design from the people behind Mad Men for a story about loss and other homo things in the ’60s, which is like vapors on top of vapors. It’s just too much, y’all.
But wait! There’s more (cause for vapors):
Crushing On Colin Farrell Is the New Riding A Bicycle
August 11, 2009
Back during my freshman year of college, if you asked me how I felt about about Colin Farrell, you’d probably not get a coherent response so much as a stream of school-girlish noises that vaguely resembled squeals of enthusiasm filtered through a ridiculousness purifier:
I bought Tigerland on DVD because there’s an out-of-focus shot of his business in it. I nearly took out my roommate’s girlfriend as I darted to get in front of the television when he introduced U2 during the 2003 Academy Awards. I sat through Daredevil. And S.W.A.T. In short, I was an utter embarrassment.
However, like all crushes, my interests waned. I largely attribute this to both my fickle tastes and seeing Ryan Gosling in The Notebook. Oh, follies of youth!
ANYWAYS, I was certain I was done with that business. CERTAIN. He won his Golden Globe this spring and, while I was happy to see him make a comeback, I wasn’t reduced to banshee-like shrieking. Then I saw this video, though, and the shrieking recommenced:
Harry Potter and the Half-Clothed Piece of Deliciousness
July 16, 2009
It’s been ages and ages since I read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, and I’m hardly the sort of obsessive Potterophile that remembers each and every character name like I’m in charge of student enrollment at Hogwarts, so it is perhaps a given that I don’t remember who Cormac McLaggen was or what he did to have any sort of relevance in the narrative. I forget plenty of trivial details, be it in the Harry Potter universe or the real one, and I’m pretty terrible with names as is, but there’s one thing that I do no forget, and that’s deliciousness. Freddie Stroma, the actor who plays Cormac McLaggen in HPatHBP, is such deliciousness:
I’d put something pithy in pink on this picture, but I can’t help but feel like I’d be defacing a work of art. That, and it’s really hard to think of pithy things when it’s vapors-o-clock on the dreamboat express. I don’t care that I already had every intention of seeing Half-Blood Prince, and I certainly don’t care that Freddie Stroma will indubitably be more clothed throughout the entirety of his role as Cormac McLaggen. His impeccably chiseled features have me all sorts of more excited about one of the few summer movies I was already super excited about, and I’m pretty certain my eyeballs will explode when I see him on the Imax. No more eyeballs is just the price one must pay to witness such beauty, and I’m totally fine with that.
And speaking of no more eyeballs, just look at this video of him back in his underwear modeling days of last year and try to keep those bad boys in their sockets:
A Guide to the Red-Band Jennifer’s Body Trailer For People That Don’t Care About Megan Fox’s Boobs
July 7, 2009
Have you seen the red-band trailer for Jennifer’s Body, which sells us Diablo Cody’s teen horror film by emphasizing the cursing and Megan Fox’s boobs? Oh, and Megan Fox being teasingly “bisexual”? Maybe it’s me, I can’t help but think Showgirls did the boobs and bisexuality so much better and with so much less Megan Fox. Fortunately, I think the rest of us (and by rest of us, I mean people lacking an interest in Megan Fox and/or her boobs) still have plenty to be excited about.
For starters, there’s Amanda Seyfried:
And she’s been the best since her scene-stealing turn in Mean Girls, and it’s simply a matter of time before she finally blows up. She infinitely appealing and incredibly versatile (I believe her dumb blond every bit as much as her high school outcast), and this could be the breakthrough she deserves. After all, Jamie Lee Curtis–the original Final Girl–made it big with Halloween. For those of us who appreciate women or character and substance, she’s the Jennifer’s Body (Final) girl to watch.
And what about a generation’s nostalgia for a certain West-Coast based teen soap? Jennifer’s Body has got the goods IN SPADES: