Back during my sophomore year of college at the University of Georiga, a group of friends and I entered the Campus MovieFest. The theme that year was something like “Moving the World,” and seeing how we were a tasteful group of budding filmmakers, we chose to go the esoteric and inspirational route for our short: We made a fake previously-on-last-season’s teaser for a nighttime soap opera entitled As the World Turns.
We thought of everything, and I mean everything: Love triangles, wedding proposals, chronic illnesses, multiple counts of substance abuse, lies, betrayals, and shocking secrets revealed! When we failed to sweep the festival, it was clear that though we were big, the moviefests had already gotten too small. Somewhere on Sunset Boulevard, Norma Desmond shed a tear in silent commiseration.
ANYWAYS, Campus MovieFest has begun putting these submissions up on YouTube, and one of my old roommates recently stumbled upon our entry brought it to my attention, so without further ado, As the World Moves:
Estimated budget of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow as according to Box Office Mojo? $70 million. Total worldwide box office of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, again, as according to Box Office Mojo? $57, 958, 696; in other words, just shy of $58 million. If you’re going to be an accountant about it, I guess that makes Kerry Conran’s loving homage to Classic Hollywood film serials, kitschy sci fi aesthetics, and New York City architecture in the late 1930s (seriously, the scene where Gwyneth Paltrow goes into Radio City Music Hall is an instant Art Decorgasm) something of a box office failure. Not an outright bomb, for sure, but also not about to get Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow 2: 2 Late for 2morrow greenlit any time soon. BOOO, 0bviously. Obviously? Obviously.
A few years back,I gushed to my mother about what a steal it was when I dropped $5 for a used copy of The Black Dahlia from a nearby Blockbuster. I went on and on and on about how bad it was, and finally mother stopped me and asked, “Why would you even want to spend $5 dollars on it then?” I guess that’s a reasonable question (for other people), so consider the above image of Fiona Shaw delivering a perfectly executed side-eye just before sipping her martini my argument for The Black Dahlia being five of my best-spent dollars.
Seriously, when it comes to performances, The Black Dahlia is by and large one of the most baffling experiences of all time. Most everyone seems to be aiming for ’40s-film-noir only to achieve awkward-and-forced-like-bad-pulp-dialogue, Hilary Swank looks absolutely nothing like “that dead girl” despite Scarlett Johansson having a line of dialogue that explicitly insists otherwise, and then there’s Fiona Shaw. She plays Hilary Swank’s wealthy boozehound of a mother, Ramona Linscott, and she’s incredible. I’m not entirely certain what–if any–direction Brian DePalma gave her because her performance is from a completely different movie about a batshit crazy drunk who won’t take anybody’s sass. She’s like Carla Gugino in Watchmen, lighting up the screen and warming the camp-adoring cockles of our hearts with each slurred word and wildly over-exaggerated gesticulation. For example, a less inspired actress would probably sloppily eat the pot roast in this scene, but not Fiona Shaw:
When things get quiet over at this particular corner of the internet, the reality is there’s only person we have to blame, and that person is me. The only problem with this is that I’m a blame shifter, so when things get quiet over at this particular corner of the internet (at least this time around), it’s Christopher Nolan’s fault. Seriously, he’s the man behind Inception, and I’m merely the owner of the mind that movie melted, which mean he’s the one who committed the mind crime! (Get it?!?) Besides, Joseph Gordon Levitt looking positively dapper (or do I mean Draper?) in a suit and vest will muddle your brain for days like that. Oh, and the Mad Men Fever obviously isn’t helping my crazy, either. Anyways, we’re not here to talk about Inception (YET); we’re here to talk about Today’s (much belated) Fabulous Image in Cinema, and Today’s (much belated) Fabulous Image in Cinema is from Notes on a Scandal, so let’s talk about it.
From a still for the 1932 film Letty Lynton, here’s Joan Crawford epitomizing 1930s glamor in front of the most glorious Art Deco revolving doorway I’ve ever seen:
I’d like to imagine that this is the gay man’s version (or at least this gay man’s version) of Saint Peter and the Pearly Gates, but that might count too much of a good thing even by Heaven’s standards, so I can be willing to settle for just the doorway.
Here’s Joan Crawford’s cameo in the 1949 Doris Day vehicle It’s a Great Feeling:
Or as I like to call it, “Joan Crawford in furs, birthing cinematic Postmodernism.”
And then there’s Queen Bee, which leaves me without many words whether it’s as a single image:
Once, not so long ago, I discovered the ferocious dance magic of 80s Italian variety show superstar Sara Carlson, and it was fabulous. Sure, she set an impossibly high bar by which all others must be judged (sorry, Bonnie Bianco), but Sara Carlson busts moves worth the mind-blowing paradigm shift that will force you to recalibrate your feeble understandings of reality and consciousness. I imagine it’s like dropping acid, but without the whole mess of making your spinal fluid run backwards.
Anyways, while we may never match the inimitable batshit insanity of Sara Carlson’s days on Al Paradise, it’s comforting to also be reminded that Italian television’s well of crazy runs deep. Like, ridiculously deep:
The best I can tell, Tilt is some sort of disco-era dance competition, which explains why everybody’s dancing around in a discotheque straight out of 2001: A Space Odyssey. And the Dali-meets-Magritte floating-apple backgrounds (sure). As well as the two separate instances where Stefania Rotolo flies around on a piano (of course?). You know, the usual imagery for a disco competition. When you’re on angel dust.
Judging by the next clip, though, perhaps Tilt is actually a children’s variety program:
Friday Fun Fact: Carol Channing will always be better than you, but she’s particularly better than you in this clip from the 1985 television adaptation of Alice and Wonderland:
I didn’t watch the American Music Awards last night because I’ve better things to do with my time, which may or may not mean whipping up an epic amount of cheese grits and an entire box of Brown ‘N Serve sausage:
That’s for me to know and you to endlessly ponder.
Anyways, apparently I’m going to have to make more of an effort to tune in to these third-tier music awards programs because the clips I’ve seen from last night’s American Music Awards are all sorts of ridamndonkulousness. In some instances, such as Lady Gaga’s performance, I don’t really find this particularly shocking:
While I’m always delighted to see what Lady Gaga will do next, I’ve long ago accepted that it will indubitably be completely batshit insane. As a result, I can’t say fashioning light-up tubing into something resembling the exoskeleton of the creature from Alien is her most mind-blowing achievement. Personal preference dictates I stick with either The World’s Gayest Homage to The Warriors or this little head exploder, but I’ve gotta give her points for outfitting a violin player in pig play gear. I really don’t know what to do with that, so snaps for the nightmare fodder. Lady Gaga is clearly dedicated to this whole Monster thing, but not nearly as dedicated as Adam Lambert is to becoming my favorite person on Earth:
Admittedly, there are certain differences between Clint Eastwood’s Changeling, starring Angelina Jolie, and the following YouTube video I stumbled upon. For example, Angelina Jolie didn’t have a long-haired fright wig in the movie. No no, she sported a fashionable 1930s bob:
Added to that, given that Changeling was a period piece, Angelina Jolie never wore hoodies or Billabong shirts, though sometimes she did wear this hat that I want:
Everything else about this video, however, is spot on:
Truth in advertising, y’all. We really were warned:
With disaster sequences like this, how can it not be?
But now someone’s decided that the only thing better than the five minutes of 2012 that recently made their way onto the internet would be editing out all of the ridiculous CGI footage, thus allowing us to instead focus our attention entirely on the ridiculous performances. In other words, someone’s my new favorite genius:
_02.jpg "Annex - Crawford, Joan (Letty Lynton)_02")
