This Is What Happens When Beyoncé Lets a Fan Sing October 26, 2011

It’s straight up magical, naturally. B.’s excited (maybe?). This girl’s excited (definitely). Are you excited? You should be excited. Get excited, y’all:

Kidz Bop’s “Single Ladies”: Singular Proof Kidz Bop Is Not Beyoncé April 28, 2011

Well, the subtext here is infinitely creepier than Beyoncé’s utterly delightful “Move Your Body” (which is what the cool kids are Jazzercising to these days), and we’ve regrettably already seen this bad idea before, but at least future child brides of the world now have a sassy pop anthem all unto their own? OH, THANK GOODNESS.

Much love to Videogum for this one.

Beyoncé’s “Move Your Body”: Further Proof That Beyoncé’s the Best April 27, 2011

Look, I’m not saying that I had any doubts after witnessing her work the hell out that Betty Page wig and deliver her lines in the oh-so-exquisitely-camp way she did in the video for Lady Gaga’s “Telephone.” Nor were there really any lingering doubts whatsoever after watching one of 2009′s unheralded gems, Obsessed. All I know is that when America’s fiercest First Lady, Michelle Obama, says, “I want you to make a video promoting exercise in the fight against childhood obesity,” Beyoncé asks, “Can I do it in a dazzling neon explosion of fetching heels and knee-high socks?” And if that’s not further proof that Beyoncé is the best, f*ck me if I know what is.

Much love to Vulture for this one.

Here’s a Video of a Sixty-Year-Old Man Getting His Freak on to Beyonce’s “Diva” July 8, 2010

Meet Rick.  Rick hails from Arizona, and he has visited the adults-only resort Hedonism II some forty times for the “wild women” and the “rippin’ and the tearin’” (whatever that means, though on second thought, don’t tell me).  Ladies and gentleman, Rick would like to do a dance of seduction for you, a dance so undeniably erotic that once it is witnessed, it can never be unseen:

Two words: dance off.  One reaction:

The Official Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner Response to Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” ft. Beyoncé March 12, 2010

Preaction:

Action:

Reaction:

TGIF! Now Here’s the New Video for Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” February 5, 2010

Obviously, this video is perfection.  Particularly the part when their outfits at the end of the video at various points remind me of Cyclops and Phoenix from X-Men and Katana from Mortal Kombat II, but I’m a nerd like that.

Oh, and as Lady Gaga would say: God bless the gays.

Much love to Queerty for this one.

Instead of Going to See G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra, Why Not Rent Obsessed? August 6, 2009

Recessions, y’all.  They’re the worst.  The economy’s a bailout black hole, unemployment rates just seem to keep rising, and movies are a leisure that are increasingly unworthy of the $12.50 price of admission.  Yeesh!  Who wants to pay that much money for a movie about terminating robots, or a movie about transforming robots, or a movie talking guinea pigs (that, given this summer’s crappy movie trend, might also be robots)?  And this weekend we get G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra, which is not about robots, but looks to include robot suits and performances that are equally stiff:

Admittedly this looks more mediocre than flat-out terrible, and one could argue that Sienna Miller’s quip about shoes is a welcomed moment of camp, but mediocrity is rarely worth $12.50.  Instead, might I suggest renting the camp ridiculousness that is Obsessed?  Sure, I already reviewed it months ago, but now it’s out on DVD, and that means you’ve no excuse not to see it!  Just look at Beyonce give good (bitch)face and tell me it’s not worth the meager cost of a rental:

But wait, there’s more!  So much more!

When Nightmares and Single Ladies Collide July 20, 2009

It’s been well documented that clowns are universally despised and hated by anybody with the common sense to recognize that behind all those painted faces and put-on grins lies the root of all evil.

The “Single Ladies” dance is the absolute antithesis of clowns.  For starters, everyone loves that song.  Really, EVERYONE:

See?  Told you so!  Photoshopped pictures don’t lie, and that’s a fact!

Added to that, if you have even the vaguest inkling of rhythm and a dial-up internet access, it’s very likely that you too probably learned at least some of the dance as it exploded all over the pop-culture zeitgeist like nuclear bomb of insanely infectious fabulousness.

So what do you get when you cross the the undeniable creepiness that is a scary clown mask with 2008′s internet meme sensation?  You apparently get the following video, which is as utterly nightmarish as it is strangely compelling:

As a Fellow Theatergoer Was Overheard to Observe, I Can Attest to the Following: Obsessed is Definitely NOT Whack April 28, 2009

If anything, Obsessed is something of a small miracle.  Hollywood seems to love producing mirthless crap on a daily basis, so much so to the point where you point where one might think that Hollywood’s only business is producing joyless cinematic equivalents to pond scum.  But such is most certainly not the case with Obsessed.  Is it bad?  No doubt.  Terrible?  Quite possibly.  But I liked it, nay, loved it:

Obsessed is, to be certain, a terrible movie.  The acting is at very best vampy sexpot camp (Ali Larter) and the inimitable brand of steely faced, bitch-please crazy that Beyonce has elevated to a minor art, yet it’s in other places rather tepid (Idris Elba’s performance seems rather befuddled, almost as though he hired by simply wandering onto the set) or head-scratchingly absurd (Jerry O’Connell’s horndog schtick seems to have been beamed in from another planet).  

The screenplay is an impressive black hole for logic and character motivation.  Beyonce’s the dream wife because the movie says so.  Ali Larter gets obsessed because the movie says so.  The cop doesn’t believe that Ali Larter’s wearing the least seductive pair of business casual crazy pants because the movie says so.  Showgirls infamously asked that you leave your inhibitions at the door.  Obsessed demands you to do the same with you deductive reasoning skills.

Here’s the Greatest Catfight Ever to Hold You Over ‘Til the Obsessed Review Posts April 27, 2009

Were you one of the many who helped contribute to the $28.5 million opening weekend box office for Obsessed?  I know I was, and we can all agree that it was one fabulous mess of a movie that I for certain will not be getting over any time soon.  Hopefully Hollywood gets it right and realizes that this movie’s success is not just because it’s a Beyonce vehicle; it succeeded because it plays like the love child between Fatal Attraction and Lakeview Terrace.  If their love child just so happened to eat paint chips, natch.  Beyonce starring in it is just diva icing on the awesome cake.

Anyways, there’s just so much to talk about with Obsessed that I plan to take my sweet freakin’ time writing up that review.  So, in the mean time, let me leave you with the most incredible catfight the world has ever witnessed.  It comes from Dynasty, but that should come as no surprise to catfight connoisseurs:

The catfight in Obsessed sadly pales in comparison to this one.  Nobody gets beaten over the head with a mannequin’s arm, the Beyonce/Ali brawl doesn’t at any point devolve into a glitter fight, and Ms. Sasha Fierce certainly doesn’t try to choke a white bitch with a pink feather boa.  Then again, nobody’s perfect.

Beyonce should take notes on this clip for Obsessed 2: This Time I’ll Show You Even Crazier, which is a movie that we can all recognize must be made.  Immediately.  Get to work, Hollywood!  America has spoken, and it wants more bitch fights!