I never before realized that all it takes to sell me on a movie is music from Clint Mansell’s score for Moon (“Welcome to Lunar Industries”, I wanna say) and 10 seconds of Meryl Streep ACTING as a bitch even more evil and British than Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada (at least you knew Miranda Priestly liked the gays). Apparently, though, that’s all it takes to have me going full Jesse Spano with giddy anticipation.
Seriously, I haven’t been this excited for a movie since I flipped my shit over the trailer for Black Swan, which makes sense because they both have a lot in common. Both promise oodles of Oscar-baiting ladyACTING (which is my favorite), and both are basically horror movies:
Seeing as it’s no secret over at this little corner of the interwebs that I love me some Harry Potter (interpret that as you will), I’ll spare you a voluminous amount of word vomit now that there’s a trailer for the concluding chapter of the film series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. Suffice it to say, I’m not ready for it to be over (obviously), and I don’t know how I feel about the whole 3-D thing (can you blame me?), but whatever! I’m still so excited! How excited? Keep-me-away-from-your-birthday-cake excited! What? This kid knows what I’m talking about:
I cannot convey to you in words how much this delights me, but DVDActive is reporting that Homecoming is at long last arriving on DVD April 27th. Obviously this is a good thing because I know we’ve all been waiting an eternity (or since last summer) to witness Mischa Barton channel Kathy Bates in Misery and bring on the crazy in a hardcore way. And for those of you who haven’t been waiting for Homecoming grace your eyeballs like a thousand golden rays of batshit bonkers sunshine, allow me to repost the trailer to remind you how you live a joyless existence and generally fail at life:
And while this poster’s totally fine, I have my doubts about the plot summary from ComingSoon.net:
Ambitious young Manhattanite and urban conservationist Beth (Alexis Bledel) wants it all: a good job, good friends, and a good guy to share the city with. Of course that last one is often the trickiest of all. In the new romantic dramedy, Beth falls hard for Tommy (Scott Porter), a sexy, young Wall Street hot-shot. But just as everything seems to be falling into place, complications arise in the form of Tommy’s sensitive and handsome co-worker Daniel (Bryan Greenberg). Beth soon learns that the game of love in the big city is a lot like Wall Street – high risk, high reward and everybody has an angle.
Look, I’ve nothing against another movie about white peoples’ problems. Like any other white person, I know what it feels like when Trader Joe’s is out of your favorite flavor of organic yogurt (it feels TERRIBLE); and I’ve heard it’s totally a Sophie’s choice when two handsome, charming, successful guys are pursuing you. Seriously, other than by the size of their junk, how do you rationally decide?
That said, this a movie about white people with problems who are also making shit tons of money on Wall Street, and I refuse to quell my populist rage against the financial machine just because Alexis Bledel wants to play a love game. Unless you set those rich white people problems to swoony indie pop, in which case my easily manipulated imaginary ovaries are all over that shit.
No no, I can’t wait for Chloe because it looks like it’s going to be this year’s Obsessed (and we all know how I feel about Obsessed), but this time it’s starring Julianne Moore and gunning for a hard R-rating, so it looks even better than Obsessed, but I digress.
My point is you need to watch the trailer because SPOILER ALERT it’s bonkers:
See what I mean? You can’t put a price on something so hilariously sloppy, which makes sense because this poster looks like the vengeful wrath of an unpaid intern.
Now we have a teaser trailer, though, and it’s becoming increasingly clear that nobody gives a damn about this movie. I mean, just look at this lazy mess:
While I was at the movies this past weekend, I saw a poster for the upcoming romantic comedy The Back-Up Plan:
It was confusing because I haven’t associated Jennifer Lopez with shitty romantic comedies–let alone acting–in ages, but I digress. My point is that I could tell just by the poster that this has “generic rom-com train wreck” written all over it, but sticking J. Lo and Alex O’Laughlin in a movie that amounts to Knocked Up‘s prettier but frighteningly dull cousin inexplicably sounds catnip to me. I blame it on Alex O’Laughlin, who is so pretty that even J. Lo’s hand can’t obscure his prettiness, and her hand damn well giving it a go. I mean, seriously, what the hell is her hand doing in that poster? Is she trying to cover his face so she can be the prettiest part of The Back-Up Plan poster? Is this how they do the Vulcan mind meld in the Bronx? Sorry, I got sidetracked.
Again.
ANYWAYS, point being is that there’s a trailer for The Back-Up plan, and it’s all the LOLZ and romance of this poster at 24-frames-per-second:
I don’t know about you, but last night I had a rather delicious filet mignon at my office’s holiday dinner party, then I came home, and then I promptly shat my nerd pants. Why? Because the Iron Man 2 teaser trailer dropped last night, and it’s so damn good that you don’t even have to be a nerd to lose your shit over it. Being a nerd naturally helps, but it’s really over just a difference of whether you poop your pants a lot or your poop your pants even more than that. Don’t believe me? Just click the poster below and experience the the hotness, but be sure you’ve got an adult diaper on:
Everything about this trailer’s obviously the best, but I love how they’re sure to include a moment of Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow’s utterly delicious screwball chemistry. It makes me think of Iron Man 2 as His Girl Friday, but with robots and explosions and weird facial hair, so basically perfect.
Still, as much as it’s impossible to not love the Iron Man 2 teaser trailer, I’m willing to bet there’s at least one person that is not one of Iron Man 2‘s fans:
SOLD!!! This image has three things that I unabashedly love: overly-ornate-to-the-point-of-camp costume details (it’s a gay thing), Anne Hathaway (also a gay thing), and killer red lipstick (it’s a Black Narcissus thing; so, in other words, yet another gay thing). People of a more discerning taste would likely only have their interests raised by such and image, but people of a more discerning taste would probably steer clear of such cinematic gems as Powder Blue and Orphan, so why would I want to associate with those people? Those people sound like such assholes.
All digressions aside, it’s safe to say that Alice in Wonderland‘s latest trailer will have even people of a more discerning taste excited because–quite honestly–it’s as though Disney just kept throwing money at Tim Burton to ride his crazy train ’til he reached Bonkerstown, which is to say that it looks totall awesome. Just look at this beaut:
