Sorry, GLAAD, But GlambertGate Is About Homophobia December 4, 2009

More GlambertGate talk?  I know, I know.  I hate to sound like some radical leftist gay who turns everything into a rant against white patriarchal heteronormativity:

You: Isn’t this blog usually more funny?

Me: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A HUMORLESS FAGGOT?!?

But c’mon, it’s fair to argue that the whole situation with Adam Lambert and ABC is the result of some sort of pop-culture gay panic, and–regardless of the deciding factor in ABC’s decision to cancel Lambert’s future appearance on the network–it’s important to discuss what this particular moment says about artistic expression and gay acceptance in mainstream media.  That, and the whole debacle’s becoming a first-class shit show.

First off, there’s this:

Since no moment in popular culture to involve a homosexual is complete without a statement from GLAAD, the Los Angeles Times reported yesterday that GLAAD had the following words to contribute:

The Best Argument for Gay Marriage to Date? I Do Believe So. October 21, 2009

This sign was spotted at the recent National Equality March in Washington, DC.  Now we all know there are plenty of ways to argue against the conservative rhetoric that opposes gay marriage, and each of these counterarguments has valid points to consider, but I’m pretty certain this particular rebuttal is iron-clad: 

Oops, I LOL’d my pants.  I’d really like to shake the hand of whoever made this sign because this poster is ingeniously camp.  And totally spot on.

Yes, her birthright may make her royalty to us, and her storied career has affirmed her status as a true icon in her own right, but the gays cannot be blinded by love: LIZA MINNELLI IS NOT ABOVE THE LAW.  Equality is for everybody, not just for the people that are better than the rest of us because they were totally out-of-control amazing in Cabaret.  Get it right, Government!

Oh, and because no post that involves Liza Minnelli is complete without a clip of a her performing, here’s a lil’ something something for your viewing pleasure:

The Only Thing More Depressing Than Scream 4 Existing Is Scream 4 Existing AND Starring Neve Campbell September 26, 2009

It’s been a while since thought about Scream 4, and that’s largely because it pains me to know end to think about this debacle coming to fruition.  Scream was the first R-rated horror film I was ever allowed to watch.  I lost my H-card to Scream, y’all, so the thought of Courteney Cox Arquette and David Arquette being surrounded by a CW-series worthy cast of actors and calling it Scream 4 feels somewhat akin to tracking down your high-school sweetheart only to discover they’ve gotten a cheap boob-job and are turning tricks outside a Cheesecake Factory.  You want so desperately to rekindle those old feelings, but you can’t help but feeling it’s going to be sloppy and desperate.  In the end, it’s really just best to walk away and remember the good times.  So why stop with the ostrichin’?

Well, there now comes news that Neve Campbell has joined the cast of Scream 4, which is the sort of tidbit that makes me wish Tatum was still around to dole out her sassy yet sage wisdom:

Seeing as she was taken out by a rather unfortunate accident involving a doggy door and an electronic garage door opener, such advice could not be counseled.  That, and she’s also a fictional character, but whatever.  Boo.

What sucks about this development (besides Neve Campbell seeing Neve Campbell get wrangled into this train wreck) is that I now have to hoist up my white flag and admit defeat/mildly percolating interest.  If I’ve sat through Three to Tango for Neve Campbell,  then it goes without saying that I’ll be sitting through Scream 4 for Neve Campbell.  Of course they’ll probably just Casey Becker her in the first 15 minutes, but shooting doesn’t start ’til next spring, so there’s still time for this not to be the worst!  Let’s discuss.

Reflections on the Robocalypse August 12, 2009

So, I’m sitting here in a Marietta Starbucks, missing New York and hopped up on way too much caffeine–provided by mine and Benji’s favorite barista, Shmason–and passing the time by cackling not-so-quietly to Benji’s latest witticisms.  His last post, with its mention of the possibility that YouTube’s intuitive recommendations may be a sign of the coming Robot Apocalypse, got me thinking.  Personally, I’ve always found the evolution of artificial intelligence fascinating and frightening.  I have also long believed that the tech geeks at Google (which is truly becoming the repository of all knowledge…) are one wrong algorithm away from creating Skynet, or worse, Brainiac.

While I have previously asserted that I look forward to the Zombie Apocalypse with considerable enthusiasm, I do not have similar enthusiasm for the robotic equivalent.  And news stories like this, and this, do not reassure me in the least.  My reasons for my Robocalyptic Trepidation are myriad, but for the purposes of this post, I will restrict them to the top three:

You’re Tearing Me Apart, Copyright Laws!!! August 10, 2009

It’s no lie that I tend to find the fickle nature of YouTube clips and their battles with copyright law to be terribly annoying.  I can’t stand that any music video that falls under ownership of the Universal Music Group cannot be embedded, and the same goes for the trailers and clips of anything owned by Disney.  This explains the disappearance of Shmathan’s favorite clip on parenticide, which was surreptitiously removed from YouTube on account of copyright infringement, but that doesn’t make it any less annoying.  Or confusing, for that matter.  I personally would rather not want to claim any credit for such an embarrassingly ridiculous clip, but that’s just me.

Anyways, it’s with a heavy heart that I must today announce that the Powder Blue clips have been taken down from YouTube.  Yes, the glistening gems that inspired much camp glee have been taken from us.  I’d like to think all my ridiculous ranting and raving in some way preserved some of the train-wreckery that graced this blog, but I can’t help but feel like there’s now a Powder-Blue-shaped hole in my heart.  Of course, these clips cannot compare to the glorious Godawfulness that is watching Powder Blue in its entirety, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to put my cranky pants on over this situation.  Sure, I cannot claim to understand the finer nuances of the legal matters behind this indecency, but I can Photoshop up some indignation with the best of them:

The Magnum Opus of Nobody Puts Baby In A Horner: Reactions to Powder Blue August 9, 2009

Well, dear readers.  It is Saturday night, and the work week is done.   Nothing remains other than a complete and utter surrender…to excess.  The wine is chilled, the movies are bad, and the desserts are filled with empty calories.  So without further ado, let me introduce you to…

Allow me to introduce your hostesses this evening.  I am Shmathana, Comtesse de Homósexualitat and joining me is her exalted majesty, Benjilina, Duchess of Gaylandia.  And this evening, it is our delight and privilege to bring you at last, and as so long promised, the official Nobody Puts Baby In A Horner review of…Powder Blue.   You’ve longed for it.  You’ve dreamt of it.  And now, it is within your reach.  Yes dear readers…

And without further ceremony, let’s pop the bottles, and dive right in! (Please Note, this post is NSFBM…Not Safe For Benji’s Mom)

The P.C. Police Need to Calm Down About Orphan; or, Disclaimer Is the New Black August 5, 2009

I had every intention of simply ignoring the whole story about how adoption groups have been getting all pissy about Orphan much in the way I ignored when the gays got cranky over Brüno.  This was in part because I actually want to revisit Brüno when it’s out on DVD to really take a nuanced look at that controversy (though my initial reaction was that it was hysterical, and its graphic sexuality and general flamboyance were more subversive than damnig), so I’d prefer to make a well-rationed argument as opposed to a knee-jerk rant.

Oh, and there’s also the fact that the call for an Orphan disclaimer may be one of the dumbest things I’ve heard in my entire life.

So when the story popped back up today at Celebitchy yesterday like a killer in a horror movie coming back for one last scare, I kinda felt the need to address it as both a fan of the movie, a serious love for film, and a person with both a modicum of intelligence.  In order to have this discussion, though, we must address Esther’s much ballyhooed secret, so consider yourself SPOILER ALERTED.

The case against Orphan, as laid out in the following quote (which was originally reported by Fox News Pop Tarts), is precisely everything irksome about activists groups complaining about movies:

Nothing Gets Done When You’re Craving Cookies July 23, 2009

Faithful readers and fresh-off-the-blog-boaters, I must be honest: I’ve got a problem.  No, it’s not a love for the Sauce, nor is it for anything that could snorted (thank goodness) or shot into my veins (absolutely not).  No no, I’ve got a different sort of problem, and that problem’s name is Cookies.

Really, if you put any form, no matter the shape, consistency, texture, or list of ingredients in front of me, I will snatch that shit away from you quicker than you can blink.  The only answer I know to the question “Would you like a cookie?” is “I’ll take three.”  The only  response I have to “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re out” is “BAKE MORE, WHORES!!!”  

When I’m not eating cookies, I’m thinking about eating cookies.  Seriously, I can’t even blog sometimes because all I’d would write would be this:

COOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIE COOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIE COOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIE COOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIE.

Even I don’t even find that compelling, and I’m the one thinking about pecan sandies at this very moment.  

And even when I am eating cookies, I’m thinking about eating other types of cookies, which I guess is sorta like imagining having sex with someone other than the person you’re having sex with, except I’m thinking about Double Stuf Oreos instead of Ryan Gosling.  It’s a problem, y’all.  

Now I know you probably think I’m totally making this up and that Cookie Addiction, like modern art and women’s rights, is just some bogus joke perpetrated by the bourgeois liberal elite.  Trust me, y’all, it’s a real problem, and it will destroy your family.  Just look at how it can ravage the mind:

Oh Look, a Poster for a Movie I’ll Probably Never See July 21, 2009

Traditionally, teaser posters that come out nearly an entire year before their film’s release try to do what their name would imply, which is, you know, TEASE.  For example, that fabulous teaser poster for Cloverfield:

They don’t even give you a title, that’s how much they want to intrigue you with the delicious mysteriousness of it all.  And you know what?  As teaser posters go, that one teased me all the way into the movie theater!  Great job, J.J. Abrams and company.  Your posters never fail to work me into a frothing nerd frenzy.  I suppose it’s just my cross to bear.

Anyways, there’s a teaser poster now on the internet for next May’s Prince of Persia:The Sands of Time.  I know, I know, it’s TEN WHOLE MONTHS ’til it comes out, but I had to share it because it’s already tantalizing me with the prospect of avoiding the hell out of it:

The Final Poster for The Ugly Truth Gives Me a Headache July 6, 2009

Sometimes I editorialize images I find on the internet with pithy comments in pink letters.  But sometimes there’s an image that  speaks entirely for itself.  Such is the case of the final poster for The Ugly Truth, which I spotted on the streets while walking to the bank this afternoon:

Yes, ladies and gents, it speaks for itself, and it says, “UGH.”  Even though this is essentially the same thing as the teaser poster (but now with actors),it’s still an embarrassment to anyone with a brain.  Or genitals.

Women love love, so Katherine Heigl’s holding her heart as an object unto itself.  And men love sex, so Gerard Butler’s holding his heart over his business while he lustily smirks at Katherine Heigl.  The lesson?  Men love you to take a ride on their discostick, so do it now in order to make them like you, ladies.  Don’t worry that this probably means they’re emotionally unavailable Neanderthal man-children; just give them a trip down your tunnel of love, and the sparks will be flying!

Look, I fully understand that movies like The Ugly Truth are intended to be light-hearted comedies that deliberately embrace tired gender stereotypes as opposed to having the creativity or intelligence required in saying something innovative about how men and women emotionally and romantically connect, but this Gender Wars 101 bullshit is the dead horse that’s been so thoroughly beaten that all you’ve got in front of you is a bucket of glue.  Never mind the trailer; this poster is so boring I damn near had a narcoleptic fit on Sixth Avenue.

More importantly, though, is how incredibly misogynistic these reductive gender politics are.