At this point, it’s almost not even worth mentioning that Madonna’s MDNA came out earlier this week. After all, if you’re reading this, chances are either you or at least one of your friends is a friend of Dorothy, which means either you or at least one of your friends has spent the past few days sashaying up and down your Facebook News Feed with quips and comments about the new Madonna album. Simply put: WE KNOW ALREADY, QUEEN. Hell, I’d offer my own two cents, but Madonna has so much money she probably scoffs at small change like a bouquet of hydrangeas. Besides, the last album I shared my thoughts on was Christina Aguilera’s Bionic, and we all know how well that turned out.
ANYWAYS, this wouldn’t the blog it is without some sort of MDNA-related post (duh), so here’s a music video forMadonna’s latest single, “Girl Gone Wild.” It may not be the official video, but it probably should be:
I know I said “I Got Pregnant” was our summer jam, but changing her mind is prerogative held by both women and fickle queens alike, y’all. Besides, the Lady Tigra’s “Summertime” has swooped in like a p*ssed off, crown-hungry drag queen and SNATCHED. MY. LOVE. Can you blame me? Those lyrics? POETRY. The beats? SICKENING. Seriously, the only thing hotter than waiting in an MTA station in NYC this past weekend is this song. One’s guaranteed to make you sweat, the other make you moist. Ew. Whatever. So hot, this song! The hottest, even!
I mean, what? Did that just happened? Really? Wow. Just wow, y’all. That is a mess. A mess! And I love it. Obviously.
You know, had this been released back when in 2007, it probably would’ve been my favorite train wreck on a stripper stage of the year. Sorry, Lindsay Lohan in I Know Who Killed Me. People get cut (from hot mess stripper lists). That’s life.
A music video that namechecks John Wayne, Spencer Tracy, James Dean, Humphrey Bogart, Marlon Brando, Paul Newman, and yourself as a bid for fame and stardom? Oh, OH! This is rich! I bet Brad, our new favorite non-union actor-slash-model, is so p*ssed off right now that he didn’t think of this first. “Why didn’t I think of this first?!?”–Brad. And also probably Lindsay “Why wasn’t I in Black Swan?” Lohan, too, for that matter.
There’s just one thing bothering me about this video, though:
You know, despite having a reasonably well documented (albeit vaguely shameful) love for Coldplay, I’m all too well aware that their new video for “Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall” doesn’t exactly belong over on this corner of the interwebs. Loving Coldplay is decidedly unhip, and while loving things like Showgirls and Joan Crawford something fierce isn’t exactly the contraband Four Loko that’ll get me points with the cool crowd, Coldplay isn’t camp either. Hell, about the only tangible connection between Coldplay’s target audience (soccer moms) and myself is that we both love white wine, eating our feelings, and wondering where the best years of our lives went. Still, this blog isn’t called NOM NOM NOM CRYBABY TEARS (I’m saving that for my memoir), so like I said, Coldplay’s new video probably doesn’t belong here.
Unless, of course, I find the proper GIF that best conflates both my nearly debilitating levels of homosexuality and the fact that I’m a super (not so) secret softie, and OH WAIT, I DID:
These ladies (and gents!) have got it down, y’all. Not only is this song the catchiest earworm this side of an Ashlee Simpson single, but the dancing is exquisitely Nomi Malone. And by that, I mean they’re all pelvic thrust.
I don’t know about you guys, but it is f*cking hot as balls in NYC, y’all. Seriously, I grew up in the South, so I’m well aware that this is what summers do: they get hot. No duh. I’m also well aware of the fact, though, that at a certain temperature there’s only one effective way to really cool off: or sipping gin and tonics and fanning yourself on a plantation veranda. However, seeing as I sadly do not live in a Tennessee Williams play, we’ll have to try and cool off with our new summer jam, “I Got Pregnant”:
Well, the subtext here is infinitely creepier than Beyoncé’s utterly delightful “Move Your Body” (which is what the cool kids are Jazzercising to these days), and we’ve regrettably already seen this bad idea before, but at least future child brides of the world now have a sassy pop anthem all unto their own? OH, THANK GOODNESS.
Look, I’m not saying that I had any doubts after witnessing her work the hell out that Betty Page wig and deliver her lines in the oh-so-exquisitely-camp way she did in the video for Lady Gaga’s “Telephone.” Nor were there really any lingering doubts whatsoever after watching one of 2009′s unheralded gems, Obsessed. All I know is that when America’s fiercest First Lady, Michelle Obama, says, “I want you to make a video promoting exercise in the fight against childhood obesity,” Beyoncé asks, “Can I do it in a dazzling neon explosion of fetching heels and knee-high socks?” And if that’s not further proof that Beyoncé is the best, f*ck me if I know what is.
As anyone who grew up in the 90s knows, Garbage’s Shirley Manson is only happy when it rains:
And while I must admit that I myself am ofttimes anything often but happy when it rains in New York City (straddling a space heater for half the work day in an attempt dry off after you were drenched by horizontal rain as you walked up 7th Avenue has a way of doing that to you, but I also never got into splooshing–do NOT look that up, Mom–so whatever), I have to admit that I can be quite fine with whatever the hell freak storm was recently happening in Texas:
