Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Monster Mouth Corner: Oops, I Sandra Lee’d a Shepherd’s Pie

So it’s finally happened:

Despite every crack I’ve made about Sandra Lee, I finally hopped on her crazy train and rode into the recipe world called Semi-Homemade. Yes, like some drunk sorority girl dancing atop the bar at an Alpha Delta Pi mixer, I decided last night that I would be try-curious. The only difference was that nobody would be taking me home afterwards for some sloppy on-top-of-the-clothes action followed by a barf in my trash can, but you know what? That’s the difference between food sluts and regular sluts, and I can be okay with that. (Slut Barbie knows what I’m talking about.)

It’s also worth noting that Sandra Lee’s semi-homemade dishes follow her “70/30” philosophy (70% store-bought, 30% fresh), whereas my lazy ass couldn’t be bothered to use anything that hadn’t been sitting atop my cupboard (boxed mashed potato flakes) or in my freezer (a beef pot pie). Hell, even the cheese was pre-shredded, so I guess my shepherd’s pie merely qualifies as “barely homemade.” Whatever. The recipe’s simple, so I encourage you give it a look:

1. Insert frozen pot pie into pre-heated oven, as per instructions on box.
2. Meanwhile, make boxed mashed potatoes on stove, as per instructions on box.
3. 7 minutes before pot pie is finished, remove pot pie from oven and top with mashed potatoes and shredded cheddar to taste (preferably “gluttonous”), as per instructions from my master, my belly.
4. Return to oven and finish baking. Crust and cheese should be a golden brown. Remove shepherd’s pie from oven.
5. Barring that, are you hungry (like me), impatient (like me), and/or possibly too drunk from your cocktail time to give a fuck (like Sandra Lee)? Then remove shepherd’s pie from oven.
6. Let cool for five minutes before serving.
7. Have your first bite, then look down and consider what you’ve just put in your mouth and shall henceforth regard as just another notch in the belt of your poor life choices:

Ultimately, I get it, I guess. Despite the fact that I’ve always regarded her recipes as best suited for people who’d sooner punch a kitten than pick up a cooking utensil, I can see the appeal of this whole semi-homemade thing. I not only was able to make myself a hearty sodium-‘n-preservatives heart bomb for dinner, but this recipe still left me time to make my favorite recipe for lima beans from The Grit, clean the dishes, write this blog post, and ask myself where I went wrong in life. Oh! And I didn’t even make this face once the whole time:

Okay, maybe I lied about that last part (MAYBE), but if it occasionally takes Sandra Lee’s semi-homemade way to find time in the evening for oneself, I approve!

Besides, at least I know the only person barfing in my trash can tonight is me, and like I said before, I can be okay with that.